Today I deliberately designed what I consider to be an ugly web page. I made it extra ugly on purpose because that is what the "higher-ups" want. They were thrilled with it. I am gratified that I cannot unveil it to you at this time.
Since I've learned to embrace bad design concepts for the good of my sanity - in other words, no use in getting upset if you can't get someone to see what you think is reason - I've been a lot less upset at things I cannot change anyway. Good life lesson, dontcha think?
People of Earth, join my quest for global domination by bidding on my stuff currently up for grabs on eBay! You may especially enjoy my description of the fabric with aliens on it.
Jovial Bob, who does customer service / support around here, told me that he was "stalked" by a customer! We have little bios of each person who does customer contact-type stuff on the corporate web site. It's nothing intimate, basically a picture along with any experience or schooling the person has, along with a work e-mail addy. A customer Googled Jovial Bob, found his home phone number, and called him at his house late one night for some help on a project!
Well, Jovial Bob lived up to the nickname I've given him, stayed on the phone with the person - and then charged the company for an hour of his time - fortunately, he's hourly and not salaried. I told him it sounded like it was time for him to get an unlisted telephone number!
One of the engineering dudes changed his look recently by growing a goatee. He now looks just like Spock in the mirror (evil) universe! I told him so and fortunately he appreciated the compliment I was paying him.
Of course, I'm partial to goatees; my man has had a "devil beard" (aka a pictavante, which I'm positive I've just mispelled and equally postive that he will gently correct me) for years, and it makes me sad when he shaves it. (This is due in part to an experience many years ago which led me to believe that a man's personality can drastically change when he suddenly grows a beard. Thus it would stand to reason that a sudden shaving could do the same, no?) For more information on this fashionable facial hair. visit goateestyle.com's gallery, witness a visual debate on the goatee vs. the van dyke (famous folks who have sported a van dyke include Colonel Sanders and the Green Arrow) or, for the brave of heart, you can visit "Rate My Goatee".
I just wanted to show off this image from the "Don't Fear the Reaper" sketch on Saturday Night Live, wherein Christopher Walken proclaimed that he had the fever that only more cowbell could cure. I suppose I could make this post more informative by saying that I saw a commercial for the "Stepford Wives" remake movie - looks intriguing, and the ever-creepy Walken is in it.
Speaking of creepy - I am simultaneously intrigued by - and frightened of - Pizza Hut's creation of a Buffalo chicken pizza.
I can't believe how lame some of my cow-orkers are! A customer service engineer-type was talking about a generator shaft, which of course just begged for someone (me) to shout "Shut yo' mouth! I'm just talkin' about Shaft!" And the guy had never even heard of Shaft! Not even the remake! I even sang the song to him, and it only made him blush -- "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine to all the chicks? SHAFT! Damn right."
*sigh* My comic genius is so wasted here.
We have had an outbreak of cake-centric functions at the office recently. I keep thinking of the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine begins to boycott these activities. I feel her pain, but I've put the most recent office cake offering to good use. This particular cake was a bi-level confection of yellow and chocolate, thus enabling me to conduct a taste test. My informal yet scientific analysis proves that chocolate sheet cake and yellow sheet cake taste exactly the same.
(Part of an ongoing rant against spammers-)
"fabuklous! I took the only one pijll of Cialgs and that was such a GREAT weekend! All the girls at the party were just punch-drungk with my potentiagl I have fgcked all of them THREE times but my dgck WAS able to do some more! Cgalis - it`s COOL!!! The best weekend stuff I've ever trgied! Haven`t you tgried yet?"
Who would buy a product with advertising copy like this? That's not even English! I mean, really - what is this spammer thinking? "Oh, I have a great idea, I'll spam thousands of people with a barely understandable message! That will be sure to drive them to buy my product!"
Die, spammers, die! I'm pretty sure the Bible mentions extra retribution against you!
On a slightly related note - does anyone else get the giggles when that commercial for the "erectile dysfunction" drug mentions the need for "immediate medical attention" for erections that last four or more hours? Isn't that the sort of stuff you read about in those "gentlemen's publications"? "Dear Playboy, you'll never believe what happened to me at the hospital when I had a strange reaction to Cialis..."
Friday was my Soup-ervisor's last day. She has been so happy since she made the decision to give her two week notice. For the moment, she will be doing some contract work at the Citadel of Despair, along with some other freelance activities.
Besides the unusual working conditions under which we all labor, she mentioned that she had promised herself years ago that she wouldn't work 8-5, or be stuck in a cubicle; that she wanted to write more, do more, be more. So here's to Soup taking the plunge.
Speaking of office madness, do be sure to check out the very funny group blog "CubicHell". I would love to apply to post there, but then what would I write about here?
Why do I feel sorry for Martha Stewart? I have no idea. Usually I have no sympathy for people who break the law, especially wealthy people. I'm not a big fan of hers - though I do like her magazine and modelled my bridal bouquet after one I found in her Weddings magazine (a rose pomander, it was indeed "a good thing"). It's widely known that she's not a nice person...and yet, the thought of her languishing in prison, attempting to assemble tab-top curtains with the prison laundry, or trying to come up with fresh herbs for the evening prison gruel, is depressing to me.
There's something depressing about seeing a TJ Maxx go skank. I dragged Godfrey off to look for pants at our local Maxx (Maxx for the Minimum, Never the Same Place Twice, You Should Go - am I a slave to catch-phrases or what?). It was crowded, the lady running the dressing rooms was wasted (she acted like it - she had that barfly look going), they had nothing cool in housewares, everything was chaotic and out of place. Time was out of joint. It was a shopping disaster.
And here I digress to discuss clothes shopping with Godfrey. He absolutely hates it. I have to remind myself that he's not mad at me, he's just not happy with spending time in a store that doesn't sell DVDs or computer equipment. But here's the astounding thing about men's clothes - they use this amazing system of measurement, where pants are sized by waist and inseam, rather than the vague notion of random numerical sizes. Thus, by simply trying on a couple of pairs of pants, he was able to determine what his size was. Then - get this - we foraged through the clothes racks to find these pants, and he didn't try them on, and yet they fit. Here's how it went:
Me: "Here's some pants in your size. Why don't you go try them on?"
Him: (Looking quite cranky, like a wet cat)"No. I don't need to."
Me: "But...how do you know they will fit?"
Him: "Because they are my size. Now let's get out of here!"
And they fit perfectly! Whereas we women have to contend with sizes that vary by manufacturer, and not to mention our various in and out curvy bits that aren't taken into consideration by most designers - argh!
So anyway, back to the Maxxes. Once a TJ Maxx goes skank, there's no hope for recovery. I've seen it happen before, it's quite sad. So I will have to patronize the Maxx near the Citadel of Despair. I went in there yesterday and they had these two foot tall ancient Egyptian statues, and steamer trunks, and plush towels, and great lamps, and this way-cool porcelain bathroom trashcan with a bee and Laurel wreath claiming to be the property of some French hotel, and gorgeous wine glasses, and cool lamps, and a coffee mug with classic Alice in Wonderland illustrations...I had to flee before I bought it all. It's so tragic to have no money and find cool stuff. So, RIP, now-skank TJ Maxx up the street from my house. You will be missed, but it's a nightmare finding parking in your lot anyway.
I must be under the weather, because yesterday's hockey game (Lightning vs. the stinkin' Flyers) was great, and yet I fell asleep on the sofa in the third period! I blame a lack of a/c in my car. I will bitch more about that later. Anyway, I woke up just in time to see the Flyers score the tying goal. grrrrrr...
The Lightning simply cannot lose to a team whose goalie has an image of Hank Williams Jr. airbrushed on his mask. I kid you not! This is the NHL, not NASCAR! Please, lads, kick their butts this Saturday! I promise to stay awake for this one!
Welcome to Florida! Here's the weather report for the next month.
Low: 70 degrees
High: 90+ degrees
Humidity: 98%
Chance of rain: 1%
Next month, increase chance of rain to 20%. Repeat till November.
Please keep this in mind if you ever think it would be fun to live in the land of Mickey Mouse. The best thing about Florida is there's no sales tax. And remember, it's by and large a service-oriented economy! Wheeee!
Okay, maybe I'm just a little bitter about this because I have no A/C in my car. Well, the knobs are there, but to get it to work again will cost me a "cool" $500. I almost took off my shirt on the way home yesterday, but decided against it. Instead, I rolled up my pants and pulled the back of my shirt as high as it would go, then leaned way forward to try and get some breeze. Not too effective. My left arm has quite the suntan. I've taken to putting sunscreen on just that arm because I've got an authentic truck-driver tan going, which means that the rest of me is quite pale. It's very noticeable. If only I could drive with at least my left leg hanging out of the window for additional sunning and breeze enjoyment - but it's a standard transmission.
The Tampa Bay Lightning are in the Stanley Cup finals!!! And Godfrey bought me the Eiffel Tower lamp I've been coveting for years from Target! And I taped an hour-long Beastie Boys concert that aired during the hockey game! Raise the roof! Etc.!
Maybe it's just me - but John Kerry makes my teeth itch. He makes me so uncomfortable. Like wearing really itchy polyester from the 1970s. Who the hell thought he was "more electable" than Dubya? I mean, really, who? There is nothing positive about this guy - and the argument that "at least he's not Bush" isn't good enough. Every time Kerry opens his mouth, wackiness comes out of it. And we're not talking Robin Williams wacky here. We're talking classic doublespeak, spin, flimflam artist stuff. What's a nation to do? This country needs something more than either candidate has to offer.
Captain Insanity: "I'll miss having you here."
Me: "I'm glad you liked my work."
Do you pronounce cicada "chiquita"? I think that's the way it should be pronounced. Those bugs need something to increase their cute factor. The things are horrific! I'm surprised they aren't down here, but then there's probably no more room for disgusting bugs in Florida. I mean, from an ecological standpoint, there is no room at the inn down here for another disgusting-looking insect. Plus if you tried to bury yourself here, you'd hit water after the first inch of digging. So not a good move.
I heard some scientist talking about how brilliant it was that these bugs bury themselves for 17 years. It doesn't sound too smart to me. First of all, your clothes are going to be tremendously out of date. Those cicidas probably emerged wearing day glow colors and Duran Duran t-shirts, and they probably had Pat Benatar haircuts (or mullets for the guys). Plus they are hopelessly clueless when in comes to current events. Think about it, these bugs have no clue about the Internet! And they did this to mate? They somehow thought that going underground for 17 years would be a good strategy? So they've been buried since Reagan was president, they come out from a hole in the ground - and they think they're going to get laid? I don't think so! If I was single, and some guy started hitting on me looking like that and with no up-to-date conversation ("So, how about that 'Star Wars' missle defense plan?")...no, just not happening.
And these cicidas (chiquitas) sound like phasers from the original Star Trek! I'm pretty sure that each phaser issued to Kirk and Spock had one of those ugly things in it. In fact, I think the cicidas can shot laser beams. How else do you explain a bug that ugly? Nature designs things that way for a reason. If a creature is yellow or red, that means danger - and if it's extra ugly, it means stay the hell away, it has laser beam capability!
Well, the arrival of the cicidas proves that the terrorists have won. See for yourself:
Yep, last Monday I turned in my two week notice at the Citadel of Despair, otherwise known as The O(ri)ffice. With my letter I also submitted a photocopy of my acceptance letter from school. I am leaving because I hate that place, but that doesn't mean they need to know that. Of course, me just typing that on the Internet isn't exactly keeping things close to the vest, now, is it? Ah well, I certainly have short-timer's syndrome. Free paper clips for everyone!
