This morning on the Today Show, I saw something that no-one should ever have to see: ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF AL ROKER'S GASTRIC BY-PASS SURGERY.

I'll pause while that sinks into your consciousness.

That's right, there I was, minding my own business, eating a cranberry muffin, when all of a sudden there's that big belly, about to be sliced into by a team of surgeons. I can't remember too many details, thank gawd.

What did I ever do to the producers of the Today Show to deserve such treatment? It was bad enough that Matt Lauer was wearing a striped suit with a striped shirt and a polka-dotted tie. Not to mention his bad haircut. And Katie Couric always gives me the creeps. (Her mouth is very Joker-like.) Mad props to Al for losing the weight and all, but I really didn't need to see that.

That does it, I'm watching Sports Center from now on in the morning.

In Memoriam, Matt Lauer's hair.

El Presidente stuck his head in my cubicle yesterday and asked me if I had an X Box. This was quite startling, because usually El Presidente (not to be confused with Mr. B, who is the chairman of the board*) rarely ventures into Marketing Sector 7G, and if he does, he's not there to talk to me. "No," I said, praying that was the right answer. I was also hoping he was referring to the game system. Apparently it was acceptable, he moved onto the next cube with the same question, eventually leaving 7G for Engineering. One possible theory is that maybe all he does is play video games in the corner office.

Incidently, El Presidente and I were almost involved in an automobile accident last week. He was driving down the wrong side of the road as I was leaving The Office.

So the GLOM (Gorgeous Ladies of Marketing) took a group lunch break yesterday. Unfortunately, the subject of uncomfortable doctor's office visits came up; one lady started to say, "Well, the last time I went to Dr. Peterfriend-" That's all she could say, because the rest of us immediately collapsed into paroxysms of laughter. Apparently the last name is not spelled that way, but it's pronounced as such. It would have been even funnier if he had turned out to be a urologist.

*Who is in turn not to be confused with The Chairman of the Board, Ol' Blue Eyes, Dr. Sinatra.

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

I keep finding cool quizzes. I've been trying to keep them to one day a week, but people who know me will probably agree, it's hard to keep me contained.

Lawrence the Bengals fan just told me to go away! Just because the Browns beat the Bengals! That's not nice at all! (Cincy fans, Browns fans have been there before.)

Get googlized! I did, and learned that, among other things:

karen is in
karen is back
karen is home
karen is a little slut
karen is right
karen is miss february 2002
karen is out of the office
karen is the coolest
karen is currently planning trips to these cities
karen is famous
karen is looking
karen is open and willing to listen to criticism
karen is back posted on saturday
karen is healed
karen is twice as old as lori
karen is speaking in an area near you
karen is exceptional
karen is exposed in health and fitness magazine
karen is a professional researcher
karen is experienced in providing advice for people of all backgrounds and situations
karen is strong
karen is correct
karen is a friend who is there for you always
karen is an active contributor to her community
karen is a kind person
karen is very special and caring
karen is a member of lots of things
karen is so precious for me
karen is an outdoors person
karen is that bad cop
karen is also a highly versatile art and antiques specialist with a broad knowledge in a number of areas
karen is killed
karen is passionate about making a difference in people’s lives
karen is supportive through life
karen is sitting in the wood bin beside her grandma and grandpa kawasaki's fireplace
karen is still in danger

AND

karen lee is an advocate and an educator who believes that the most valuable information on madness comes from mad people themselves
karen lee is given flowers
karen lee is the winner of the danckwerts
karen lee is our cartographer and graphics artist
karen lee is surely my most sensual artist
karen lee is not against voting for the opposition but says she lacks information about it
karen lee is a seasoned performer who always pleases the fans
karen lee is a dear friend who writes magical and charming tales of the modern business world with paranormal twists that would make harry potter envious
karen lee is not impressed

I learned some interesting things about Ginevra, too...

I guess major poets aren't beatniks.

Which Major Romantic Poet Would You Be (if You Were a Major Romantic Poet)?

You're John Keats! You were born poor, trained to be a doctor, and then decided you wanted to be a poet. You threw yourself into poetry with great dedication. You're very nice and extremely dedicated to your art. You write great letters and sexy poetry. It's amazing how much you got done in your short lifetime.

A recently purchased bag of Tootsie Rolls - Flavor Rolls was made up of the following flavors:

11 lime
8 vanilla
7 orange
5 lemon
3 cherry

My ranking of flavors is:

cherry
orange
lemon
lime
vanilla

This has been the longest week in recent memory, and even now it's only Thursday morning. Time is dragging by, slower every day.

Our house, our house, our house is falling down - well, it's not falling at this point, but apparently the roof is slightly (?) bowed in, so water collects in the middle, like a nylon tent in the rain. The wood parts of the house are rotting, the wall of the TV room is leaking. We rent, so it will be interesting to see what the landlord decides to do. At least we no longer deal with Mrs. Landlord. One time when I called her to report a concern I had about the heater she said, "I'll have to pray about what to do." Maybe she joined a Christian cult or something, because now we only hear from Mr. Landlord. He keeps mentioning these neurological problems he's having and how he's on opium and might have to have surgery, retire early, etc., like I'm supposed to say, "Oh, well in that case, don't bother fixing the house, you really have your hands full there!"

For the past two weeks I've been dealing with pesky ad salespeople. We haven't been given an ad budget yet for next year, so I just have to pretend to listen to them. I could never be in sales. One of the most annoying things to have cropped up in advertising is the Internet. One trade publications charged us an extra $75 just to list our web address in their annual buyers' guide. The sales rep told me that was "value-added"; yeah, value added for them! Another guy who has been courting our advertising dollars reps an Internet-only publication that charges $1000 and more a WEEK! I took the liberty of visiting his site. You have to register to gain access to it, free of course but who knows what they do with your info. Can you see engineers having the patience to sign up for that? I know I resent having to register for crap like that, so I didn't. The next morning, I received an e-mail thanking me for registering! What did they do, read my cookies or something? This is exactly why I hate using the Microplop Internet Exploder browser. Information-stealing bastards.

To top it all off, I forgot to watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show last night! Who knows what kind of weird panties they'll create? Well, I guess I better get back to work. In closing let me remind you - beware of despoilers of small furry animals.

I got so excited that I was squealing with delight! Modtones caters to my tiny demographic... If only I had the right kind of cell phone.

For a reasonable fee and with the right cell phone, you can hear "Freedom of Choice" or "Girl U Want" by Devo every time someone calls you! How cool would that be? I'm sad my little Motorola can't handle this way-cool technology.

If I could change anything about my appearance right now, I would make my hands dainty and my fingers slender. I was showing off a new sterling silver ring to cow-orkers, and each lady who tried it on could slip it on her thumb or pointer finger. It fits on my ring finger.

Yeah, I know-bitch, bitch, bitch!

Would you take a course in Semiconductor Basics from this man?

After years of whining about wanting to go ice skating, I finally went Sunday. Jeff was a good sport and came along. (I think he may have actually liked it.) Skating on an indoor rink is a lot different than on the lake in my ancestral back yard. I'm pleased to report that I didn't fall, but that's not to say I was a regular Dorothy Hammill after a twenty-mumble year hiatus.

And let me say, at the risk of sounding like an old fart - in my day, we taught ourselves to skate, with those double-bladed training skates. We didn't wear helmets, and we certainly didn't have those little plastic tripod things (think grandma walkers) to teach us balance on the ice. And not once can I remember my parents coming out to take pictures as I glided by. Too cold for Mom, for starters. Dad was likely off playing tennis at the indoor tennis courts.

Skating is a Zen experience, if Zen means you're concentrating so much on balancing and not running into stupid little kids that you're not worrying about all of life's problems. So I bought a pair of ice skates (black, thank you very much) last night on E-Bay. Rental skates suck! Too tight on the ankles. And there's another ice rink about a mile from the office, so I can even skate during my lunch hour if I'm ambitious - and you know I am.

It's still not quite the same as skating over a murky green frozen pond, with a little fire going in the vacant lot. The up side is, there's no way I can fall through a thin spot in the ice in a rink. I hope.