I'm in a catty mood, so what better time than to declaim on "The Next Food Network Star" show? Unfortunately, the judges are Food Network execs, folks who think Bobby Flay is great and that we need three Rachael Ray shows, so I don't have high hopes for a good outcome.

Dan and Steve - Clone Michael Chiarello, put the two on the same show, and amp up the gay factor, and you have Dan and Steve.

Deborah - she could be interesting. As the judges have remarked, she seems to be having problems projecting her personality. She wants to be seen as a diva, but I think she'd do much better as a regular person.

Eric - Many people seem taken with him, but I keep seeing a big ego. (He says in his bio that God has annointed him for Food Network greatness.) Besides, do we really need another fat guy on TV showing us how to make potato salad with 3 cups of mayo?

Hans - BOR-RING! This guy is really dull. His dad, according to one Google source that I now can't find, so maybe you should just ignore this part, may be a famous chef (Graham Kerr);

Michael - He looks like Weird Al! He's wacky, and I'm partial to wacky, but I don't want him muscling in on Alton Brown's territory if he wins.

Susannah - She cut herself and made such a big production of it. You know, when you're getting a tetanus shot on TV, MAN UP! No one wants to see you cry like a baby (and yes, I have had a tetanus shot so I do know that it hurts). Other than that, she seems pretty mousy and housewife-y. Besides, Food Network already has one clutzy host - Flay.