I've discovered who the Antichrist is - or, more appropriately, are. It's those two "adorable" teenage twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley.

As little tikes, they single-handedly inflicted the insufferable Bob Sagett on us when they shared the role of Michelle Tanner on "Full House". But their plot, which I will reveal here, goes far, far deeper than awful sit-coms.

First of all, these girls have a media empire to make Martha Stewart blush - videos, several series of books, a cartoon show, video games, and a web site complete with horoscope and fashion advice. Oh, there are so many books out there - there's a mystery series, your basic junior high adventures, etc. I quit counting at 40 - I don't have THAT much free time, despite my concern about the girls who will one day take over Planet Earth. There's titles like "Winning London", "School Dance Party", "The Case of the Mall Mystery", and "Never Been Kissed". Do you think in a couple of years, under the guise of sex education, they will publish the sweet and tender "Mary-Kate and Ashley Get Deflowered"? Or how about the gritty "Mary-Kate and Ashley Get Jobs at the Orange Julius"? At least those books would have a shot at being interesting.

Now they have teamed up with Mal Wart to coerce millions of teenage girls to part with their (parents') hard-earned cash. First, I caught sight of "Mary-Kate and Ashley" brand hair detangler. Though I was in dire need of such a product, there was NO WAY those creepy-looking brats were getting my hard-earned cash. Upon further investigation, I have discovered that their merchandizing empire goes much farther then health and beauty aids. Clothes, jewelry, bedding, accessories, eyewear, shoes, watches...these little bitches have their greedy mits on just about anything that can be emblazoned with their names! I really freaked out when I encountered their grinning, squeaky clean visages beaming at me from a prominent display in the fabric department. They have discovered the arts and crafts craze, they even have fabric! I think they are looking to launch their own line of potting soils next. At least that and frozen foods seem to be the only sort of merchandise untapped by the teenage money-making duo.

So, as the magnetic pulse that destroys all the computers in the world emits from Mary-Kate and Asley's skulls after they have taken all the world's free currency, remember: I warned you.