For my birthday last year, Sid gave me a ticket to this June's Vulkon (she later told me that I was the only person who would go with her). So this weekend, she and I attended. I was in for quite a surprise.

It was like setting foot into the Bizarro universe. I've been to a few cons before, so I was expecting about 90% guys, mostly in their teens and twenties. In actuality, it was about 95% women, of all ages (even white-haired grandmotherly types). Why? It was a Buffy-themed con, with James Marsters as the main attraction.

Sid was a relative con-virgin (although I did see her at one con, years ago, when I was dressed like a Klingon, which really seemed to freak her out), so we stuck together. First we hit the dealers' room, where I bought, among other things, a couple of frames from the animated Star Trek series. (Now to find someone who has a scanner with a transparency adapter...) While there, I saw a really disturbing picture of Anthony Stewart Head as Frank-N-Furter when he was in the Rocky Horror Show (also starring Craig Ferguson, TV's "Nigel Wick", as Brad).

Then we went to the ballroom, where an auction was in progress before the guest speakers came on. The items that were sold were:

• 2 signed photos of David Boreanaz ($150 each)
• A Buffy cast photo, signed by Nicholas Brendan ($120)
• Signed Anthony Stewart Head photo ($85)
• Signed Marc Blucas photo ($70)
• Signed J. August Richards photo ($45)
• A photo of the Legion of Dim, signed by all three actors ($100)
• Cast photo signed by James Marsters, Nicholas Brendan, Emma Caulfield, and Amber Benson ($175)
• Photo signed by Julie Benz and Christine Sutherland ($85)
• Two dinner-for-two tickets with James Marsters ($4000 each)

Yes, that's four thousand dollars each. During the auction, we learned that Anthony Stewart Head had, at a con in New York, recently auctioned off his butt (the winner was given the chance to squeeze it). The auctioneer didn't mention the price it sold for.

We ran in to one of Karen's coworkers, who knew Sid (and who had met me a couple of times, and presumably had seen the picture of me Karen has on her desk). She failed to recognize me. I didn't say anything, because I was curious whether or not she eventually would (she didn't).

The first speaker was Robin Atkin Downes, who apparently had a fairly good rôle on Babylon 5, but whose appearance on Buffy was limited to one episode, with few or no lines, completely obscured by makeup (he was Mikida, the Snake Demon). He showed his demo reel, much of which consisted of his B5 appearances and a guest spot on Arli$$, and didn't do a Q&A session. He did make a point of saying he was straight.

The second guest was the extremely amusing James Leary, who played the demon Clem on Buffy. He started out by showing his independent mockumentary, Stunt Cocks, which was absolutely hilarious. Minors were asked to leave the room before it was shown, which was undoubtedly a good idea. Ron Jeremy, Lou Diamond Philips and Scott Thompson (of Kids in the Hall fame) co-starred (Ron Jeremy was the only actor in the film who they had to pay). He was an incredibly funny guy, but unfortunately I didn't write down a lot of what he said, except that the key substance used in his independent film was a soap called Cetaphil, and that he lives in an apartment with his wife and three-year-old son. He wants to get a rôle in Eliza Dushku's new series. He didn't have any screen time with her on Buffy, but he did get to stand next to her at the wrap party, and for the most part had to stop himself from staring at her breasts.

Iyari Limon (Kennedy) was next; like all the speakers who followed her, the session was entirely Q&A. Answers to some of the fans' questions: She's 5'3" tall, was born in Mexico, and really wants to be bald for a rôle. Alyson Hannigan prepared her for the hatred of fans: they had been upset when Willow started dating Oz, because they felt she was supposed to end up with Xander; they had been upset when Willow started dating Tara, because she was "supposed" to be with Oz. Alyson is a great kisser. Her favorite part of being on Buffy was the fight scenes. The director kept telling her to be more bitchy. As an aside, she mentioned that she had been in a movie with Linda Hamilton ("back when she was hot"), who was James Cameron's wife at the time. I wonder if their divorce had anything to do with Hamilton not appearing in T3?

Next came Mercedes McNab (Harmony). A native of Vancouver, she's been acting half her life (eleven years). Her first rôle came at age ten, as the Girl Scout in The Addams Family, and she also played the part of Amanda in Addams Family Values. She has a dog: half teacup Chihuahua, half teacup Pomeranian. It's named Hercules. Her father was a professional football player (by which she meant soccer).

She's going to be in at least six episodes of Angel this season. She really loved playing Vampire Harmony, which was more fun than just playing a ditzy blonde — "I loved being a badass and getting to fight." (Badass? Her fight scene with Nicholas Brendan was the funniest fight I've ever seen.) The Great Gatsby is her favorite book, and she'd love to work with Al Pacino.

James Marsters was the final speaker. His answers to fans' questions:

• He first auditioned for Spike with a southern accent. He demonstrated it; at first, he was stuck in English Spike mode, but then moved to sounding a bit like Foghorn Leghorn.
• He's been a musician since age 10; he refused to sing at a fan's request because as a musician he wants to ensure that he'll get the right sound, and he wasn't prepared. (Sid's comment: He's one of us!) His philosophy towards playing in a band is that even the smallest mistake is a betrayal of his friends. (Sid's comment: He's not one of us. My response: Speak for yourself.)
• He's produced seventy plays.
• A fan asked him about his interest in "the Scottish play". He responded, "What, you mean Macbeth? Look, I'm up on stage, and I'm saying Macbeth! Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth! The only curse that play has is that it's never been done well. I want to do it, and turn it into a thrill ride. I want people to actually enjoy it, not go "Oh, this is Shakespeare, I guess I'm supposed to be enjoying this." He feels other directors just haven't gotten its message, which is that evil isn't some external force that lures people away from good; it's entirely a human phenomenon deriving from the choices we make ourselves.
• "What every actor really wants to do is kick ass and kiss babes."
• He once looked at some sites about him on the Web, but decided never to do it again because he could get addicted to feeling like he's the center of the universe. "I just wanna get through this fame thing and not become a jerk."
• He is coming to Angel as the character of Spike, which puts to rest one rumor that he's coming back as an entirely different character.
• He's forty years old.
• His favorite Star Wars character is Han Solo. ("Luke? What a whiny crybaby — and he's supposed to be the hero? Gimme a break. Of course, Mark Hamill's probably in the audience, isn't he?")
• He's a sleepaholic, and can sleep twelve or fourteen hours a day with no problem.
• The attempted rape scene almost destroyed the friendship between him and Sarah Michelle Gellar because of the way the producers handled it. If they'd been given time to talk about it beforehand, a lot of miscommunication would have been avoided. He claims to have destroyed TVs out of anger from watching scenes of sexual assault, and wishes the writers could have found some other scenario for Buffy.
• Eliza Dushku is hotter in person than she is on TV. And she doesn't have the attitude that a lot of attractive women have; she's a biker/rocker type chick in real life.

There were two "Get a life!" moments during his speech. One fan asked him, "Did you and Angel ever fight over Buffy?" He paused for a couple of seconds — I suspect he wanted to go William Shatner on her — but he treated her question seriously: "No... but we will." The other moment was when a fan asked if he would read her fanfic. Rather than taking the legalistic way out ("The network's attorneys won't let us read fanfic, because if one of your ideas happens to show up in an episode, you might sue us"), he said he didn't have time to read anything, but thanks anyway.

One interesting thing I noticed was that despite the heat of over a thousand bodies packed into the ballroom, all the women who asked questions seemed to be suffering from a chill. (Sid's comment: You are such a guy. My response: Well, yeah. Guys' peripheral vision is hardwired to notice that sort of thing and call our attention to it. I am what I am.)

After his talk, it was time for the autograph signing. We were called up by row to file into another room to get first Mercedes McNab's autograph, then James Marsters'. It took over an hour and a half for our row (J) to be called. I felt sorry for the people in the numbered rows after Z! Mercedes McNab looked kind of lost and beleaguered (not that I blame her), but James Marsters was chipper and shook everyone's hand. We then went to the auxiliary autograph room, where the other guests were signing their pictures (and, unlike the two main stars, they were permitted to personalize their autographs and have their pictures taken with fans). Sid got James Leary's autograph. I wasn't going to spend any more money, but Iyari Limon looked really lonely and dejected because nobody was coming to her table, so I asked for her autograph. Which cost more money than I had been expecting. Oh well.

After Sid and I got our autographs, we went out to eat at the Indian restaurant in my part of town. I said to hell with my GERD, and got a murgh makhanwala, hot. (Okay, I at least made a concession to GERD; before, I would have ordered it extra-hot.)

We changed into more formal attire and went back for the RHPS-like screening of "Once More, with Feeling", the costume contest, the karaoke contest and the Vampire Goth ball. Or so we thought.

The autograph session had lasted over four and a half hours, and the banquet was just getting started (it was just like being in the SCA!), so we had some time to kill. We went to a panel discussion about the UC Sunnydale Wicca group. Or so it was supposed to be. It was actually one fan sitting in a chair, facing several rows of chairs containing three other fans, talking about what parts of Buffy were their favorites. And the "leader" kept dropping names about actors who had recognized her and called her by name because she's a tour guide at Universal Studios or something. Sid tried to drag the discussion towards Wicca, but it kept veering off again. I know it's not what the term means, but all I could think was "fanwanking".

We bailed out of there and hit the bar. To hell with my GERD, I said again, and tried to get some B&B. They didn't have it. I asked for Benedictine. They didn't have it. Finally, they did have Goldschläger. Another con attendee (whom I realized later was dressed as Evil Witch Willow) told me it was a good choice. Sid later told me that the woman was hitting on me, and as usual I had completely failed to notice. Which probably explains why I was single for so long, back in the day.

Eventually, they got the projector set up for the OMwF viewing. The "tech guy" (who could barely use a mouse) tried WinDVD, then RealPlayer, then finally Windows Media Player before he found the MPEG file containing the episode. Audience members had to shout helpful hints to him along the way. But it started playing, and got partway into "I've Got a Feeling" before WMP barfed and complained of an illegal function. They found the "tech guy" and got him to start it up again, and it gave the same error message. So Sid and I gave up on that and wandered around a little more.

Apparently the costume contest was run during the banquet or cancelled altogether, for when the banquet was over in the ballroom, they started setting up for the karaoke contest (judged by Andy Hallett, James Leary and Robin Atkin Downes). Unfortunately, they'd held preliminary tryouts earlier in the day, with the ten finalists being featured (fooey; I would have entered it had I known). We sat through four... interesting tunes, and we mutually decided it was time to leave.