I sometimes feel, especially recently, that I wasted my college years. I was in such a hurry to "get on with my life" or to "grow up" that I didn't take the time to get a full measure of enjoyment out of my studies. Part of it came about because it was difficult for me to find where I was comfortable. I tried an art major first. Wouldn't you think that there would be room in an art department for different types of students? No such luck. You had to be very gloomy and wear black and only be into modern art. I had forgotten until recently that I actually failed photography! I remember clashes with the instructor - he made fun of me because I wore a denim jacket with lace and fake gems on it. So sue me, it was the 80s, since I was New Wave and not goth that made me a bad student, worthy of contempt? I tried a semester of interior design but encountered a similar situation. I tried journalism but wasn't aggressive or outgoing enough at the time to make a go at it.

So I tried English and I loved it. Unfortunately, at that point I just wanted to go to the next level, that is, the "real world", so I didn't think to linger, didn't think to take advantage of all the opportunities. The thought of grad school floated into my brain, but I discarded the notion. Also, I had changed universities and didn't have many friends on campus - another reason to hurry up and get it over with.

So now I'm the ultimate late bloomer, hoping against hope that despite my grades - degraded with multiple math failures - my GRE scores - average - and possibly no letters of recommendation from old professors - that I'll be able to get into a decent grad program. On our recent trip I was able to sit in on a Milton seminar. Now, Milton is somewhat of a prude and I haven't read much of his work, but, just being in an academic environment - one where everyone is open to ideas and not backstabbing or overly competitive - was just wonderful. The wind outside tapped on the window, as if trying to get in, while we sat and talked about literary theory and subtexts and such. And I had the thought that the wind and I were doing the same thing - "please, oh please, let me in! I know it's not perfect and I know it will be difficult but...please let me try."