Warning: Potentially offensive language follows. If you're anything like the CAP Alert guy, and rude language sends you into a frothing-at-the-mouth tizzy, you might want to stop reading now.

Eudora, the mail program I use, has a built-in "MoodWatch" feature that lets you know if an incoming or outgoing message contains offensive language.

I've long wondered about the person who programmed the filter; for example, it considers "fellatio" to be an offensive word, but not "cunnilingus". Similarly, "cocksucker" gets flagged as rude, but "carpetmuncher" doesn't. However, "Dick van Dyke" apparently has a rude last name (and if you don't capitalize it, both his first and last names are flagged as offensive), yet "Penis van Lesbian" passes without comment.

In fact, "penis" isn't flagged as offensive unless "vagina" also appears in the message (and vice-versa). "Ass" is offensive (even though it can also mean "donkey"), but "arse" (which only means the buttocks) is inoffensive — even though it does flag "arsehole" as obscene.

But the weirdest thing was when I received an email today that was flagged as offensive. I read the whole thing, and couldn't find a single offensive thing in it — not even a "damn" or "hell" (which, amusingly enough, aren't considered offensive by Eudora). So I copied the whole text of the email and pasted it into a new message (for Eudora highlights potentially offensive words as you type them).

The offensive phrase? Black velvet.

I'm completely mystified. What on earth is offensive about black velvet?