I finally saw Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones this weekend. It was better than Phantom Menace, but as a friend of mine warned me before I saw the movie, it seemed very much like they came up with video-game concepts first, and then wrote a movie around them.

It had some stupid stuff in it — like a Jedi Master flummoxed by a mysterious star system that didn't appear in the Jedi Archives, yet a little kid had to be the one to suggest that perhaps it had been erased from the Archives.

Or the assassination attempt upon Senator Amidala's life, which merely killed a fake Amidala: it was instigated by Nute Gunray, the head of the Trade Federation, who had firsthand experience of Amidala's habit of using decoys.

Strong in the Force Yoda is, yet not in the ways of physics is he wise. Towards the end, when the unfortunately named Count Dooku tried to topple a heavy column onto Obi-Wan and Anakin, Yoda used the Force to catch the column, hold it still in the air for a few seconds, and then throw it out of the way — during which time Dooku escaped. Had Yoda simply applied sideways force (no pun intended), the column would have missed the gaping, deer-in-the-headlights Jedi victims and crashed harmlessly aside, and Yoda could have continued to go Jackie Chan upon Dooku's posterior.

And Jar-Jar Binks was a major contributor to Palpatine's rise to Emperor. Wonderful! Heesa bombad punybrain Gungan, dassa being fo sure!

Admittedly, it was full of well-done digital eyecandy; I only noticed one piece of flawed CGI (the fruit on Amidala's fork, which tracked poorly with her movements). But the story and much of the acting were disappointing (many of the actors were simply phoning it in; they recited their lines like automata — but given the horribly stilted lines they were given — especially during the "romance" scenes — it's not terribly surprising that they couldn't make them sound natural).

As a film, it was subpar overall; it was obviously just another springboard for merchandise. I'm almost glad that Lucas has elected not to create Episodes VII-IX; for all of his disappointment over the effects in the original Star Wars, it was still one of the most satisfying films of the lot. Rather than trying to dazzle us with effects and build a market for the inevitable videogames, the first movie was a story about people.