I can't send mail. I'm not receiving mail. I'm now calling tech support.

No hold music, which is a blessing. My previous ISP had the most mind-crushing hold music in existence: a pseudo-jazzy upbeat number that lasted about thirty-two bars and then repeated ad nauseam. Every time I called them, when the tech support person asked if there was anything else they could do for me, I replied "Change the hold music" with as much desperation as I could muster. They always laughed, but they never changed it.

Aha, a support rep answers. First suggestion: go through all my settings. Apart from the fact that they're the same exact settings that worked this morning, telnetting to the SMTP port results in a "connection refused" message: therefore, I point out, the problem is not on my end. He is now trying the telnet trick.

Second suggestion: use the Web-based email interface rather than SMTP/POP3. Despite my preference for a real email program, I try it. I send email to myself. It does not arrive. He tries it, copying himself. Same result.

Third suggestion: I have a line in my .redirect file which, he believes, will corrupt the mail system. It's worked fine for as long as I've had the site, I point out.

On hold again.

Aha. For some reason, incoming mail is not being distributed to users' accounts, and the queue has filled up. Not only will this certainly result in bounce messages to anyone trying to email me (or anyone else at this ISP), but for some bizarre reason prevents me from sending mail as well, which illustrates the importance of making the proper propitiational sacrifices to the mail daemon.

Holding. What else can I write? For lunch, I had a microwaved box of fettuccine carbonara (Italian for bounty hunter encased in metal) with "Prosciutto ham flavored sauce". Which is really...

Back off hold. He will send this up to the next level of technical support, where they will Fix My Problem, possibly even today.