Years ago, I used to see bumper stickers praising the drivers' children's academic excellence.

But I guess that was too exclusionary; perhaps the parents of children not quite as academically inclined complained too much, because then these started appearing:

But then there came the push to make grades meaningless — for apparently a child's self-esteem is far more important than actually learning anything in school which will help them get a good job in the real world — so those made way for:

But apparently that's no good anymore, as the other day I saw:

Well, I'm sure that will satisfy most parents — I've seen vast numbers of children behaving monstrously in stores and restaurants, whose parents react as though they're just doing the most adorable things ever — but somewhere there'll be a parent who can't deny that his or her little brat isn't really "terrific", and will sue to get a sticker he or she can display too. So let's go with one that includes all children: good students, bad students, good citizens, troublemakers, athletes, stoners, A/V geeks and so forth.

Whoops, we can't use that one — it sounds too scientific, which of course means evolution! Why, this nation's 80% minority of Christians might feel oppressed by it. Better go with something safer, like:

Except that's bad for two reasons: first, it advertises to those people who prey on children where potential victims can be found, and it excludes home-schooling parents, and the parents of dropouts. So let's just go with:

Perfect! It excludes nobody except for childfree couples — but they benefit from them too: they can count the bumper stickers as they drive through a restaurant parking lot and mentally prepare themselves for the dining experience awaiting them inside.

Everybody wins!