The Tick
"The Funeral"
Original Air Date: 15 November 2001
CAST
The Tick - Patrick Warburton
Arthur - David Burke
Captain Liberty - Liz Vassey
Batmanuel - Nestor Carbonell
Guest Stars
The Immortal - Sam McMurray
Clarissa - Meadow Sisto
Five-Star General - Richard Penn
Kevin - T.J. Thyne
General's Aide - Darin Cooper
Cop #2 - Maury Ginsberg
Paralegal - Casey McDonald
Cop #1 - Charley Rossman
NOTE: This is not an official script, nor was it derived
from one. This is a transcript of a publicly broadcast episode.
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. FUNERAL HOME
Close-up on THE TICK, with flags behind him.
THE TICK
Death. The eternal blink. The capricious
dance of "now you've stopped moving
forever".
Wider angle which reveals that he's standing at a podium, in front
of which is a casket emblazoned with a large "I". We are in a
funeral home, or perhaps an exceptionally generic
nondenominational chapel.
THE TICK
Well, contrary to popular belief, death
isn't just for dead people. It can happen
to anyone. I know. It was news to me,
too. And it's not just people, either!
It's all kinds of stuff.
Brief shot of BATMANUEL, ARTHUR and CAPTAIN LIBERTY sitting in the
pews.
THE TICK
Horses, fiddler crabs... did you know that
even a potato can die?
Close-up on a grieving WIDOW.
WIDOW
This man is mad.
Medium shot on a FIVE-STAR GENERAL and his AIDE. The Aide
whispers something to the General.
FIVE-STAR GENERAL
What do you mean, "he's not on the
program"?
THE TICK
Crazy, right? A week ago, I wouldn't have
believed me either. But a lot can happen
in a week.
FADE TO BLACK.
Title card: "One week earlier..."
FADE IN:
INT. LONELY PANDA RESTAURANT
Close-up on a book, "Immortally Yours", held in The Tick's hands.
Pull back to reveal THE TICK, BATMANUEL, ARTHUR and CAPTAIN
LIBERTY sitting in a booth.
THE TICK
Good Lord, the man stopped a volcano with
a chunk of polar ice cap!
ARTHUR
Oh yeah, I remember that! I was at
computer camp that summer, and they
announced it over the loudspeaker.
(laughs)
I had his official sleeping bag, the one
with all the pictures of him on it. Well,
some kid filled it with rocks and dumped
it into Lake Cannepaqui.
BATMANUEL
Yes, well, that's the sort of skullduggery
one must expect at computer camp.
THE TICK
The man is absolutely indestructible; he
flies, he's got the...
(waves his finger in front of
his eyes)
heat vision.
BATMANUEL
Also, I hear he's gay. Yeah, Janet, when
you pick him up at the airport, ask him if
he's gay.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
You know, I can't tell if you're more
jealous of him, or me getting to hang out
with him.
THE TICK
The latter! What I wouldn't give to be in
your sparkly gold moccasins today, working
side by side with the legend himself,
the... Immortal.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Well, I'm not really working with him,
Tick; I've just been assigned to escort
him while he visits The City on his book
tour.
BATMANUEL
Escort? So, like a call girl, uh?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
No, like an authorized representative of a
very grateful government extending just a
little bit of courtesy to a man who has
saved the nation -- and the world -- about
a thousand times.
THE TICK
Plus, he saved the moon twice.
(turns the page)
Three times!
Captain Liberty's torch beeps the opening notes of "The Star
Spangled Banner". She opens it up and reads a small screen set
into it.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Look at that. I gotta go.
ARTHUR
Wait! Uh... what time does the book
signing start again?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Same time as last time you asked me:
seventeen hundred hours. Later, boys.
She exits.
THE TICK
Well, it's three o'clock now... Chisenbop!
That gives us...
(muttering and wiggling his
fingers)
Sixteen hundred ninety-seven hours to
kill!
ARTHUR
No. It doesn't.
THE TICK
Well, do the math, chum. Seventeen
hundred minus three...
ARTHUR
Tick, you are not sidetracking us today.
Last time the Immortal was in town, I
waited outside his hotel for fifteen hours
to get his autograph. He never came out.
BATMANUEL
Wait, wait. That was, like, five years
ago.
ARTHUR
Right! It was snowing, I... got a
terrible cold.
BATMANUEL
No, no, wait. Five years ago, you were a
man. A grown man! An adult man. Waiting
in the snow like a ten-year-old for... oh,
no, no, no, no no, this is not what men
do.
ARTHUR
You leave me alone? The Immortal is the
reason I wanted to become a superhero in
the first place.
(beat)
I'm getting his autograph!
BATMANUEL
I'm sorry, but that's just not cool.
ARTHUR
Oh, well who made you the arbiter of cool?
BATMANUEL
It's Batmanuel's divine mission. You can
do nothing about it.
THE TICK
(stage whisper)
Batmanuel! Am I cool?
Batmanuel just looks at The Tick. Arthur slurps soda through his
straw.
CUT TO:
OPENING TITLES.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. LONELY PANDA RESTAURANT
As before. ARTHUR finishes his soda and sets the glass down, then
notices an attractive woman, CLARISSA, in the booth behind THE
TICK and BATMANUEL, watching him. Batmanuel turns around to see
what he's looking at.
BATMANUEL
So you are a man, after all. She likes
you.
THE TICK
(re: the book)
Bachman-Turner Overdrive! Look at this!
He once fought a guy who was made entirely
of black holes! Heavy.
BATMANUEL
She's still looking. Why don't you ask
her out?
ARTHUR
What?
BATMANUEL
Do it now, Rabbit Man. Before she gets
away and you never see her again. If you
trust Batmanuel, you will listen to him.
This is his area of expertise. You trust
Batmanuel, yes?
ARTHUR
No.
(whispering)
My God, she's coming over here!
CLARISSA
Uh... do you have the time?
The Tick and Batmanuel look at Arthur. He starts to speak but
freezes. He lifts his arm as if to look at a watch, then freezes
again.
THE TICK
Well, we have sixteen hundred ninety-six
and a half hours, little lady. Pick one.
CLARISSA
Oh. Okay, thanks.
She gives a little laugh, then exits. Batmanuel stares accusingly
at Arthur.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CITY
A black limousine drives by.
THE IMMORTAL (V.O.)
Hello.
CUT TO:
INT. LIMOUSINE
CAPTAIN LIBERTY and THE IMMORTAL are in the back seat, The
Immortal speaking on his cellphone. He is clad in silver armor,
with a purple winged helmet and gloves.
THE IMMORTAL
Yes, Your Holiness. Thank you for getting
back to me so quickly.
Captain Liberty looks at him adoringly.
THE IMMORTAL
Ah, listen, uh... what is the "God angle"
on this whole thing? Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm?
Great, so it's all good. Right. Thanks a
bunch, Your Holiness. Do svidanya.
He hangs up.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Okay, so! You have the book signing from
five to seven, the dinner with the Mayor
at eight... oh, and then the Times
interview starts at around --
THE IMMORTAL
You know, I've been watching your career
very closely, Captain Liberty.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Oh, you have?
THE IMMORTAL
Splendid work. Splendid!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Really?
THE IMMORTAL
The U.N. has asked me to put together an
international league of heroes, and I
think you'd be perfect for it.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Oh! W-wow! That's... quite an honor.
THE IMMORTAL
Plus, you may just have the greatest pair
of legs in the whole galaxy.
He puts his hand on her thigh and squeezes it.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
I-I live two blocks from here.
THE IMMORTAL
Driver?
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CITY
A city block where Batmanuel's vehicle is parked. BATMANUEL,
ARTHUR and THE TICK enter.
BATMANUEL
Well, you had the -- the perfect
opportunity back there to meet, and
eventually couple with a sweetly scented
daughter of Eve, yet you hesitated --
ARTHUR
Will you drop it already?
BATMANUEL
I did drop it, but it came back again.
Look, Arthur. All I'm saying is when it
comes to women, you must seize the day.
Arthur rolls his eyes. Batmanuel notices a ticket on his
windshield; he crumples it up and throws it to the ground as his
cellphone rings. He answers it.
BATMANUEL
Batmanuel.
(beat)
What? No, n- -- slow down, Janet. You
what?
SHOCK CUT TO:
INT. CAPTAIN LIBERTY'S APARTMENT
THE TICK and ARTHUR are bending over the flag-draped corpse of THE
IMMORTAL. BATMANUEL stands behind them; in the background,
CAPTAIN LIBERTY, wearing a bathrobe, is sitting on a chair,
rocking forwards and backwards. Her makeup is smeared and her
hair is disheveled.
ARTHUR
You killed The Immortal?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
I didn't... I just... he seemed so... and
we were... and then sex... and then he...
died!
Crying, she starts to take a drink out of the glass she's holding.
Batmanuel takes the glass from her and sets it aside.
BATMANUEL
No no no no no no, Janet; we don't -- we
don't need this. L-l-look, the situation
isn't hopeless, ah? Batmanuel is here
now.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
They're gonna court-martial me for this.
I'm gonna lose my job, and then I'm gonna
go down in history as the woman who killed
The Immortal -- oh my God, how could this
happen?
BATMANUEL
Come now, Janet, th-this is simply a hero
dying in the saddle; it's a story as old
as the hills. Don't blame yourself...
even if others do.
She hits him.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Not helping!
BATMANUEL
Okay, don't worry. L-look, we'll just,
ah, drop his body in the river or
something; no one will be the wiser.
(beat)
What happened to your hair?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
He has heat vision. He had heat vision.
When he got excited, he would...
She gestures with her hands in front of her eyes, indicating. The
Tick and Arthur look up at the ceiling, where there are two scorch
marks.
THE TICK
Whoa, there's some cool for ya.
ARTHUR
(to the corpse)
You're The Immortal! You can't die!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Oh! I really blew it, didn't I?
Batmanuel snickers. She throws the glass at him; he ducks, and it
hits the wall behind The Tick and Arthur, knocking a picture off
the wall.
BATMANUEL
Yes! Yes! There's the Janet we all know
and... and... yes.
ARTHUR
(screaming)
Noooo!
BATMANUEL
Okay, we're losing Arthur now. Tick, come
on.
THE TICK
Right! I'm on it.
BATMANUEL
All right, let's forget the river. What
-- what hotel was he staying at?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
The Worcester.
BATMANUEL
Then that's where we'll leave him. All
right?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
We can't do that! He has to be at a book
signing in, like, ten minutes, and when he
doesn't show up, I'm gonna be up crap
creek! My God, there's gotta be something
we could --
(beat)
What size are you?
BATMANUEL
I'm Batmanuel-sized. Why?
CUT TO:
EXT. CAPTAIN LIBERTY'S APARTMENT
THE TICK and ARTHUR are standing behind Batmanuel's car, with the
corpse of The Immortal wrapped in the flag. The Tick places the
body in the back seat.
ARTHUR
(agitated)
Oh -- we can't be doing this; it's
disrespectful. It's -- it's wrong!
THE TICK
Liberty said we were saving a hero's
image. Sounds like right to me.
ARTHUR
Right? There's nothing right, Tick. The
Immortal is d- --
(whispering)
The Immortal is dead!
THE TICK
(whispering)
Yes, well, let's not point out his
shortcomings, chum.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOOK STORE
A crowd of fans has gathered; some are waving signs, most of them
are holding copies of the book The Tick was reading earlier. In
front of the doors is a banner reading "The IMMORTAL signs copies
of his new book today". The limousine pulls up and the crowd
begins cheering. CAPTAIN LIBERTY gets out, and the crowd makes
noises of disappointment.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Okay, people, settle down. We had a
couple problems, but he is here now...
She stands there for a couple of seconds, then bends down and
looks in the car.
BATMANUEL (O.S.)
Janet, no, I'm not doing this.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Oh come on, you big girl, you promised me.
BATMANUEL (O.S.)
That was before I changed my mind. This
is a crazy-person plan.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Come on!
She grabs him and pulls BATMANUEL out of the limosine, clad in The
Immortal's costume. The crowd murmurs for a few seconds, and she
begins clapping, smiling brightly. The crowd starts clapping,
then cheers. Batmanuel straightens up, then begins speaking to
the crowd in an American accent.
BATMANUEL
Fear not! Good people of The City! For
The Immortal is here!
He strikes a pose, then beams in response to the crowd's
adulation.
CUT TO:
EXT. WORCESTER HOTEL -- ALLEY
The Manuelmobile pulls up, with ARTHUR driving and THE TICK riding
shotgun. The flag-wrapped corpse of The Immortal is sitting up in
the back seat.
THE TICK
Whooo! Ha ha! This Manuelmobile is the
cat's pajamas! We gotta get one, chum!
ARTHUR
Tick, please.
They get out, and The Tick retrieves the body.
THE TICK
All right -- what's the plan, man? We
gotta get hip to the big sneaky if we're
gonna slip our dead friend into his hotel
room without being seen.
ARTHUR
Shouldn't we, uh, have a moment of silence
or something?
THE TICK
Okey doke.
Arthur bows his head.
THE TICK
Here's what I don't get, chum. The
Immortal talks about the hardships of
growing up poor and dyslexic; he lists all
the incredible things that he's done, and
yet nowhere in his book does he mention
the fact that he's dead!
ARTHUR
What are you talking about? He just died!
THE TICK
Huh?
ARTHUR
That's what happens, Tick; one minute
you're alive, you're a hero to the whole
world, a hero to me... the next -- poof!
You're dead.
THE TICK
Oh, come on, chum! You're making it sound
like it could happen to anybody!
ARTHUR
Well, who do you think it happens to?
THE TICK
Well, you know... dead people?
ARTHUR
Everybody dies, Tick.
THE TICK
Everybody? Even horses?
ARTHUR
Yes, horses. Everybody.
THE TICK
Everybody? You're positive?
Arthur nods.
THE TICK
This comes as quite a shock. Cats?
ARTHUR
Yes.
THE TICK
You?
Arthur nods.
THE TICK
I'd better sit down. Hold this for a
second, chum.
He transfers the body to Arthur, who falls over, and sits on the
hood of the car.
CUT TO:
INT. BOOK STORE
BATMANUEL, in The Immortal's costume, and CAPTAIN LIBERTY are
sitting at a table in front of a display of The Immortal's books;
a banner above the shelves reads "IMMORTALLY YOURS". There are
more books on the table, in front of which is a line of people
waiting to have their books signed. Batmanuel signs one title
page "The Immortal" with a magic marker and starts to hand it back
to KEVIN, who's at the head of the line.
KEVIN
Could you make it out "To Kevin, my Number
One Fan"?
BATMANUEL
(suave, American accent)
Surely.
He takes the book back and writes some more.
KEVIN
Awesome! Thanks! Oh, it is so awesome to
meet you in person.
(beat)
Uh, when did you grow a goatee?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
All right, people, let's just keep that
line moving.
KEVIN
I'm gonna grow a goatee.
The woman behind Kevin shoves him out of the way and hands her
copy to Batmanuel.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
You know, you should soak it up while you
can; it's the closest you're ever gonna
get to being a real hero.
BATMANUEL
Please. I'm a better hero than The
Immortal. I slept with you lots of times;
I never died.
She glares at him.
CUT TO:
EXT. WORCESTER HOTEL -- ALLEY
THE TICK is standing in front of the car, looking up at the
building. Arthur is sitting down, with The Immortal propped up
against the dumpster beside Arthur.
THE TICK
Now, Liberty said room four-oh-six; it's
probably that one with a balcony. He'd
have a balcony, don't you think?
ARTHUR
What difference does it make?
THE TICK
I could throw him that far.
ARTHUR
I mean, what does she expect us to do?
You think they're not gonna notice a dead
superhero being dragged through their
lobby?
The Tick picks up the body.
ARTHUR
Oh, God, they're gonna put us away for
this, aren't they? We're gonna be on the
news!
The Tick looks up and hefts the body.
THE TICK
Oh, yeah. I can do this.
He prepares to throw it.
ARTHUR
Tick! No!
But Arthur is too late. The Tick throws the body upwards; they
watch it go up, then Arthur scrambles out of the way as it falls
back down and hits the ground with a splat.
THE TICK
We have a Plan B?
CUT TO:
INT. BOOKSTORE
As before. BATMANUEL hands a book back to a woman in line.
WOMAN
Thank you!
She leaves, and a PARALEGAL standing behind her drops a manila
envelope on the table.
BATMANUEL
Happy reading.
Batmanuel starts to sign it.
PARALEGAL
It's a subpoena, sir.
Batmanuel and CAPTAIN LIBERTY stare at him.
PARALEGAL
Your paternity hearing is in a week. Good
day.
He starts to leave, and Batmanuel calls out after him.
BATMANUEL
Paternity? No, no, no, no! I settled
that out of court...
He looks at it again and realizes who he's supposed to be.
BATMANUEL
(to Captain Liberty)
Oh, it's... not for me. It's for... "me"!
Captain Liberty grabs the envelope.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Paternity hearing? Well, this has gotta
be a mistake! The Immortal would never...
BATMANUEL
Sleep around?
(scoffs)
Oh, Janet, please; are you that naïve?
(beat)
Oh, you're not really having an attack of
"I thought I was the only ones", are you?
Come on, the man was a celebrity.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Just once, I would like to meet a man who
is nice and funny and superhuman. Someone
who's exactly who they say they are.
BATMANUEL
Well, look no further.
(beat)
Ooh, there they are.
ARTHUR and THE TICK enter. The Tick is carrying the flag that The
Immortal was wrapped in.
THE TICK
Potatoes? Potatoes too? A potato can
die?
ARTHUR
Yes, Tick, even potatoes.
THE TICK
Ludicrous!
Captain Liberty meets them halfway to the table.
THE TICK
Ah! All done, good Captain.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Great! We might actually pull this off!
Did anybody see you?
ARTHUR
No. Nobody; and we took side streets all
the way back uptown.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
You mean all the way back downtown.
Arthur and The Tick look at each other.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Tell me you didn't leave him at the
downtown Worcester.
THE TICK
Yep. And it couldn't have gone smoother.
Here's your fancy blanket back, and you
might wanna get this washed.
She throws the flag back into his arms.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Uptown!
The bookstore patrons fall silent and turn to look at her.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
What?!
(to Arthur and The Tick)
He is staying at the uptown Worcester,
now... you're gonna get us thrown into
jail, you dinks!
ARTHUR
Well, you didn't say which one!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Yes... I... did! Now you go back there
and you get him!
ARTHUR
Go back? No way! I had to fake an
epileptic seizure in the lobby; it was
horrible!
THE TICK
Oh, no, chum! You were great!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Go... now... do it!
ARTHUR
Some guy jammed his wallet into my mouth!
I can still taste it!
She grabs him by his harness and lifts him up.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Please!
He looks at her, looks down at her hand, and back up at her.
ARTHUR
(tightly)
Fine.
(beat)
Put me down.
She releases him. He adjusts his harness and stalks off. She
looks at The Tick and makes an impatient gesture; he exits. Angle
back on the signing table, where Kevin is now standing next to
Batmanuel.
KEVIN
So who do you think would win in a fight,
you or the Hulk?
Captain Liberty walks up, grabs him and throws him out of frame.
She sits down next to Batmanuel and whispers into his ear.
CUT TO:
INT. WORCESTER HOTEL
THE TICK has wrapped The Immortal's body back up in the flag. He
picks it up.
THE TICK
Ewwww! All stiff and stale!
He swings the body around, banging its head into the wall and
knocking over a lamp. He makes for the door, but spins around
when he hears someone knocking on it.
MAID (O.S.)
Hello?
The Tick freezes, then starts darting around looking for a way
out.
MAID (O.S.)
Housekeeping.
The deadbolt turns; The Tick spins around, knocking over another
lamp. The door starts to open.
MAID (O.S.)
Housekeeping.
The Tick tries to go out to the balcony, but he bangs the body
into the sliding glass door, which shatters.
THE TICK
(stage whisper)
Oh! Hurry! I'm sorry!
The maid enters and sees The Tick out on the balcony, preparing to
drop the body over the side. She screams. The Tick drops the
body and turns towards the maid in panic.
THE TICK
No moleste! No moleste! Ahhhhh!
CUT TO:
EXT. WORCESTER HOTEL -- ALLEY
Arthur is waiting in the driver's seat of Batmanuel's car.
ARTHUR
Never said uptown!
The body falls onto the hood of the car. Arthur screams. The
Tick jumps down beside the car. Arthur screams again.
THE TICK
That was farther than it looked.
The Tick picks up the body and carries it around the car to the
back seat.
THE TICK
Good thing this fella's invulnerable, or
we would've had a real mess on our hands.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. FUNERAL HOME
As at the beginning. THE TICK is still at the podium.
THE TICK
Well, just for kicks, let's look at the
word "funeral" for a moment. Starts with
the word "fun", doesn't it? And all I see
out there are a bunch of sad faces. Well,
the Grim Reaper's an ugly customer, I'll
grant you that, but you know who's worse?
It's Mr. Mope.
BATMANUEL, ARTHUR and CAPTAIN LIBERTY slouch in the pew and hide
their faces.
THE TICK
And I say unto you, watch out, folks!
'Cause old Mr. Mope's got you all wrapped
up in the wet blanket of his mopey!
CUT TO:
EXT. WORCESTER HOTEL -- ALLEY
ARTHUR is hyperventilating behind the wheel as THE TICK throws the
flag-wrapped body into the back seat.
THE TICK
How ya hanging in there, chum?
ARTHUR
How am I hanging in there? How do you
think? Everything is upside down! There
is no order to the universe! How can I be
a superhero in a world where The Immortal
can die? He was The Immortal! I'm...
I'm... I'm just hypoglycemic; what chance
can I possibly have?
THE TICK
Well, boy howdy, you got some serious
buckin' up to do. "What chance do I
have?" Life is your chance, Arthur; grab
it! Squeeze the milk of life into your
dirty glass and drink it warm! I'll tell
you what, if death does happen to
everybody, then I submit -- and follow me
here if you can, 'cause this gets wiggy --
I submit the very presence of death is
what makes life all the more precious!
ARTHUR
(beat)
Oh yeah, that's brand new.
THE TICK
Well...
The Tick gets in the passenger seat and Arthur starts the car.
REVOLVE WIPE TO:
EXT. BOOKSTORE -- NIGHT
ARTHUR and THE TICK pull up in the Manuelmobile, brakes squealing.
BATMANUEL and CAPTAIN LIBERTY come running up from the store's
front door.
BATMANUEL
Hey! Hey! Th-that's not the way to treat
the Manuelmobile! Kid gloves, Arthur!
Captain Liberty hits Batmanuel.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Oh, get in the car, you big girl! I'm
driving.
Arthur gives a sigh of relief and gets out of the car. Captain
Liberty notices the body.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
What is he doing in the back seat? Do you
want to get caught? Have you never heard
of a trunk?
THE TICK
Well, I tried that, but he doesn't fold up
so easy any more.
Batmanuel, in the back seat, shoves the body over and into Arthur,
who looks at it and yelps. Captain Liberty walks around and gets
into the driver's seat.
BATMANUEL
You know, if you'd asked out that girl
from the Panda when I told you, you'd be
on a date right now, instead of driving
around in the makeshift hearse of your
childhood hero. Just something to think
about for next time.
A siren sounds, and a police car pulls up behind the Manuelmobile.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Oh, no, no, no! Come on!
THE TICK
Police guys!
ARTHUR
Oh my God. Oh my God!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
That's it! We're dead!
BATMANUEL
Janet, calm down.
(American accent)
Let The Immortal do the talkin'.
COP #1
Excuse me, Ma'am...
Captain Liberty floors the accelerator, pulling away to leave the
two cops staring after the car. Everyone in the car screams,
except for The Tick, who laughs as if he's on a roller coaster.
COP #2
That was weird.
CUT TO:
EXT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL -- NIGHT
The Manuelmobile screeches to a stop in front of the main
entrance. THE TICK gets out first, followed by CAPTAIN LIBERTY.
BATMANUEL
So this is how you handle things, ah?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Shut up! Arthur, stay here with the body.
ARTHUR
D- -- I...
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
We gotta go check this out. Come on.
Come on!
Captain Liberty, The Tick and BATMANUEL enter the hotel. ARTHUR
punches the seat in frustration. He does a double-take at the
body of CAPTAIN IMMORTAL as it starts to tip over, and he returns
it to an upright position.
THE IMMORTAL
(heavy reverb)
Crazy day, uh?
ARTHUR
Ah! God! Wh-why... why... why are you
doing this to me? What do you want?
THE IMMORTAL
The Tick was right, Arthur. You got to
grab onto life while you can.
ARTHUR
No. No, I'm not hearing this; you're
dead!
THE IMMORTAL
True. You're gonna die some day too,
Arthur. Maybe tomorrow, maybe years from
now. Since you don't know when it'll be,
you've just got to seize the day.
Arthur stares at The Immortal, and Captain Liberty, The Tick and
Batmanuel run out of the hotel.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Okay. Okay, coast is clear. Manuel, you
go to the front desk. The sight of The
Immortal checking in should be enough of a
distraction to get us through the lobby.
Arthur, you keep the motor running; you're
on getaway.
THE TICK
Getaway! You lucky duck!
The Tick grabs the body and pulls it across Arthur.
ARTHUR
Oh! Guh! Uh!
He punches the seat in frustration as The Tick slings the body
over his shoulder with a squishy crunching noise and runs into the
hotel with it. Arthur, panting, looks after him and notices
Clarissa, walking with two other women, coming out of the lobby.
He thinks for a second and then jumps out of the car, falling over
when he hits the ground.
ARTHUR
Excuse me!
He looks around and spots them, then approaches. The two other
women wave and one of them says "goodbye" to Clarissa, who stops
and looks at Arthur.
ARTHUR
Look. I'll probably be arrested soon.
And then, of course, I'll be dead. But
before all that happens, I just wanted to
say...
(long beat)
... hi.
CLARISSA
(smiling)
Hi.
Arthur smiles back at her.
CLOSE-CURTAIN WIPE TO:
INT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL
A room which looks exactly like the room we saw in the Downtown
Worcester. CAPTAIN LIBERTY and THE TICK (carrying the
flag-wrapped body) enter; BATMANUEL is already in the room,
sticking bottles from the wetbar into his boots.
THE TICK
Hey, this looks just like the room in the
other place!
He throws the body onto the bed.
THE TICK
Could've left him there; he wouldn't have
known the difference.
Batmanuel is gathering up other hotel items into his arms.
BATMANUEL
Incredible, yes. Can we get away from the
dead person now, before we're all arrested
forever?
THE TICK
Good heavens, all we did was give a dead
guy a lift! What's the fuss?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Are you out of your mind? My God, Tick,
what planet are you living on?
THE TICK
Planet Me.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Planet Stupid!
BATMANUEL
Hey! Hey hey hey! Don't take it out on
The Tick! He didn't hop into bed with a
national treasure and kill him with his
pink secrets!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
It wasn't my fault!
BATMANUEL
It wasn't my fault!
THE TICK
(yelling)
Why is everybody yelling?
DIAGONAL WIPE TO:
EXT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL -- NIGHT
As before; Arthur and Clarissa are still talking.
ARTHUR
I know this isn't a future thing; I know
it's a now thing, so... don't worry. I
have no expectations. I mean, I have
literally none. And I'd really like to,
uh... to...
She grabs his chin, leans forward and kisses him on the lips. He
looks stunned.
CLARISSA
My friends are waiting.
ARTHUR
Right. Um, before you go, could I get...
th-... uh...
CLARISSA
You mean my phone number?
ARTHUR
Yes.
Laughing, she pulls out a piece of paper, writes on it and hands
it to him, then walks off. He looks at it for a few seconds, then
turns it over to reveal a pencil portrait of himself which she had
done in the Lonely Panda. He smiles, then looks off into the
distance.
CUT TO:
INT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL
Batmanuel is gathering up more items from off a table, then moves
off towards the door, miniature bottles clinking.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
W-what do you think you're doing?
BATMANUEL
What? You're not paying for the room;
what do you care?
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
I don't! I care about the fact you're
still in that costume, stupid! We have to
put it back on him, or it'll look
suspicious!
BATMANUEL
Oh. Oh, fine. Did you bring my clothes?
She stares at him.
CUT TO:
EXT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL -- NIGHT
BATMANUEL (wrapped in the flag), CAPTAIN LIBERTY and THE TICK exit
the hotel.
BATMANUEL
Tsh, unbelievable. I cannot wait to go
home and be Batmanuel once more.
They stop as they see the TWO COPS from earlier, standing next to
the car; one of them is writing a ticket.
THE TICK
Hey, it's those police guys again!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
I knew it! I knew we wouldn't make it
through this. Oh, God, why didn't I just
'fess up?
BATMANUEL
Janet. Janet, relax. I told you before,
I will take care of everything. After
all, I am... Batmanuel.
He steps forward.
BATMANUEL
Officers, what, ah, seems to be the
problem?
The Tick notices ARTHUR hiding behind a column.
COP #1
Well, this vehicle has about eight
thousand dollars in unpaid parking
violations, and we are gonna impound 'er.
Are you Bat Manual?
BATMANUEL
Batmanuel.
(beat)
Ah ha ha ha, heh heh heh. No, I never
heard of him.
He walks away.
CUT TO:
INT. FUNERAL HOME
As before.
THE TICK
Wow, look at me. Babblin' like the brook
that knew too much.
GENERAL'S AIDE
The MPs are ready to tackle him off the
stage, sir.
THE TICK
(under the Aide's line)
But the brook doesn't know as much as it
thinks it knows.
FIVE-STAR GENERAL
Mmm. Belay that for the moment. I'm
starting to like the cut of this man's
gibberish.
THE TICK
I believe we're all gathered here today to
say goodbye to our dead friend, The
Immortal. Let's do that, shall we?
He waves cheerfully at the coffin.
THE TICK
Bye, Morty!
The mourners start turning to each other and murmuring. The
Tick's friends look embarassed.
THE TICK
Hey, now, no one's sayin' that death isn't
sad! But it's also the Mount Everest of
Life! And I say when your time comes,
climb it! Who knows what wonders may lay
at the icy summit of Death Mountain?
Might be nice up there! And think of...
all the people that've gone before ya!
You may get to shake hands with some of
the greatest minds in human history! Then
again, I dunno, maybe death's just
Nature's way of sayin'... "Try again."
The General rises to his feet, clapping. Others follow suit. The
widow says something which is obscured by the applause.
Eventually, Batmanuel, Arthur and Captain Liberty stand and
applaud too. The Tick looks around and nods, smiling.
FADE TO BLACK.
END
