The Tick
"Pilot"
Original Air Date: 08 November 2001
CAST
The Tick - Patrick Warburton
Arthur - David Burke
Captain Liberty - Liz Vassey
Batmanuel - Nestor Carbonell
Guest Stars
The Cape - William Newman
Red Scare - Carrick O'Quinn
Jimmy Carter - Brad Maynard
Bartender - Lisa Lu
Bus Driver - Jeff Doucette
Station Manager - E. J. Callahan
Mr. Ferret - Ray Xifo
Salesman - Adam Drescher
Octogenarian - Billy Beck
Teenage Employee - Ahmad Stoner
Comrade #1 - Doug Motel
Comrade #2 - Derek Mears
Comrade #3 - Brian Turk
and
Mr. Fishladder - Christopher Lloyd
NOTE: This is not an official script, nor was it derived
from one. This is a transcript of a publicly broadcast episode.
TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. BUS STOP -- NIGHT
Angle on the starry night sky, slowly tilting downwards throughout
THE TICK's V.O.
THE TICK (V.O.)
The life of a superhero is a lonely one,
filled with hardship and danger. The few
who answer the call must leave comfort,
safety and often sanity behind. But
someone's gotta stand the heat and stay in
the kitchen! Someone's gotta don the oven
mitts of all that's right and strangle the
throat of all that's wrong! This is that
someone's story.
A bus comes into view as the camera's tilt continues. Sign
letters reading "BUS", seen from behind, are in foreground.
Brakes squeal faintly as the bus pulls to a stop.
THE TICK (V.O.)
Hey! A bus!
Angle on the front of the bus as the BUS DRIVER exits, and walks
over to a rueful-looking BUS STATION MANAGER.
BUS DRIVER
He still here?
BUS STATION MANAGER
(nodding)
Yup.
The two men look up, and the camera tilts to follow their gaze,
revealing a beefy blue-clad superhero standing on the roof, poised
for action and scanning the horizon as he continues his narrative.
He is, of course, THE TICK.
THE TICK
He stands in silence: stoic, godlike: the
mysterious blue avenger who has become
legend to the simple folk of this bus
station. But glory will not distract him
from his vigil.
MAN (O.S.)
Come on!
The Tick directs his gaze downwards; below him, a MAN strikes a
coffee vending machine.
MAN
Come on, come on!
THE TICK
(sotto voce)
Metal fiend!
He jumps down between the man and the coffee machine.
THE TICK
Stand back, citizen! So, vending menace:
we meet again.
He presses several buttons, with no result. Trying the
coin-release lever, he turns to the man.
THE TICK
You jiggle the thingy?
The man nods.
THE TICK
Armless bandit!
He picks up the vending machine and begins shaking it.
THE TICK
Empty your bladder of that bitter black
urine men call coffee! It has a price,
and that price has been paid!
Suddenly, a cup drops into the slot and the machine begins pouring
coffee into it. With a grunt, The Tick drops the machine again.
THE TICK (V.O.)
Java devil, you are now my bitch.
The coffee overflows, and The Tick takes out the cup and hands it
to the man.
THE TICK
Well, here you are, weary traveler, one
steamin' hot cuppa justice! No need to
thank me; it's my sworn duty to defend
this bus station against the ravages of
evil.
The man nods numbly and moves away. The bus station manager moves
into frame; he pulls a bus ticket out from his shirt pocket and
drops it to the ground, then taps The Tick on the shoulder.
BUS STATION MANAGER
Uh, you dropped this.
THE TICK
(picking it up)
Hey! A bus ticket -- apparently, I intended
to go on a trip to The City. Why?
BUS STATION MANAGER
Well, looks to me like you finally freed
us from the tyranny of the coffee machine.
THE TICK
So perhaps my work here is done! Perhaps
it's time that I moved on to a place where
there's...
BUS STATION MANAGER
Stuff to do?
THE TICK
Stuff to do! Stuff to do.
He holds out his hand. Eventually, the bus station manager shakes
it.
THE TICK
Well, goodbye, grateful Bus Station Man!
You don't know what you'll do without me,
but shed no tears.
The Tick walks away, picks up a hubcap out of a trash can and puts
his arm around a teenager who's sweeping the floor.
THE TICK
Goodbye, plucky, pimply teen. Think
you're ready now to hear the truth. This
wasn't really a magic hubcap.
He hands the hubcap to the teen.
THE TICK
The magic was inside you all along.
The bus horn sounds.
THE TICK
Ah! Well, Destiny honks the horn of
"Gotta Go". To The City!
He moves off towards the bus. The station manager steps up beside
the teen.
BUS STATION MANAGER
Who was that blue stranger?
The Tick leans out of the open bus door.
THE TICK
He was... The Tick.
CUT TO:
OPENING TITLES.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
INT. WORLDWIDE FISHLADDER AND SONS
A set of double doors bursts open and MR. FISHLADDER strides
angrily through, followed closely by MR. FERRET.
FERRET
Sir, I am sure that Human Resources can
handle this. No need for you --
FISHLADDER
A man's life is at stake, Mr. Ferret; I'm
taking this bull by the horns personally.
Fishladder stops abruptly and looks down in shock.
FISHLADDER
Good lord! I'm too late.
Fishladder's POV: ARTHUR sits at his desk, working an adding
machine while clad in a white costume, complete with goggles and
wavy antennae. Fishladder grabs the chair away from the desk in
front of Arthur's, unceremoniously dumping out the woman who was
sitting in it. He sits, waits for Arthur to notice him, then
clears his throat after a few seconds.
ARTHUR
M-Mister -- Mister Fishladder!
FISHLADDER
Arthur? It is still Arthur, isn't it?
Arthur nods.
FISHLADDER
Arthur, my time is worth seventeen dollars
a second. I want an explanation, and I
want it to cost less than fifteen hundred
dollars! Go!
ARTHUR
Oh... uh... Well, it's hard to explain.
FISHLADDER
Fifty-one dollars.
ARTHUR
Mr. Fishladder, I have been living a lie.
I am more than just a mild-mannered
accountant -- now, I do good work for this
firm, and I value my job -- it's just... my
entire life has become nothing but numbers
and deductions and IRAs...
FISHLADDER
Four hundred and fifty-five.
ARTHUR
And granted, I've been doing my parents'
tax returns since I was six -- but even
then, I knew I had a higher calling. I
can't hide from it any longer. I --
FISHLADDER
(pointing angrily)
Don't say it!
ARTHUR
(standing)
I am going to become a superhero! You
know, p-part time at first.
FISHLADDER
(standing)
Christ in Heaven!
Arthur sits again.
FISHLADDER
Look at yourself; you're built like a
sensible shoe, you shouldn't be jumping
around town in a body sock fighting crime!
ARTHUR
Well, I haven't actually fought any crime
yet --
FISHLADDER
Good! Keep it that way! Crime fights
back! Remember the lesson of Metcalfe.
ARTHUR
M-Metcalfe?
FISHLADDER
Metcalfe! Head of Shipping and Receiving,
third floor. Metcalfe! He lost all his
game pieces, just like you. Cashed in his
401K and bought a jet pack! Now the poor
bastard needs a machine. To poop!
ARTHUR
Mr. Fishladder, I know that sort of thing
can happen, but --
FISHLADDER
But you're gonna ride this thing out to
the bloody, gruesome end, aren't you?
ARTHUR
Well, maybe not all the way to the end,
but... you know... for a while. Mr.
Fishladder --
(he stands)
-- I have to try.
FISHLADDER
Time's up!
Arthur sits again, abruptly.
FISHLADDER
Here's the way I see it: you're either a
man with a job, or an idiot in a bunny
suit, you can't be both. Not at Worldwide
Fishladder and Sons. So what's it gonna
be? Huh?
THE TICK (V.O.)
It's gonna be a tough row to hoe...
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CITY -- DAY
Looking up to the roof of a three-story building atop which The
Tick stands, arms akimbo.
THE TICK (V.O.)
... but he's just the Joe to hoe it. For
Destiny has called on him, and even now he
feels her warm, moist hand at the small of
his back...
Reverse angle of The Tick's back, as he looks over The City.
THE TICK (V.O.)
... pushing. Pushing.
He jumps forward and falls out of frame. There is a crashing
noise as he lands on something.
CUT TO:
EXT. LONELY PANDA -- NIGHT
Establishing shot: a Chinese restaurant; a green neon sign in the
window reads "The Lonely Panda", under which a hand-lettered
cardboard sign advertises, "SUPERHEROES WELCOME". Beneath that,
another sign reads "24 HR. FREE DELIVERY".
CUT TO:
INT. LONELY PANDA
"WE ARE FAMILY" is playing in the background. An aged, nervous
hero, THE CAPE, is sitting at the bar, building a pyramid of
overturned shot glasses. He has stacked twenty of them into five
rows, and is preparing to put the final glass on top.
ARTHUR (O.S.)
Losing that job was the best thing that
could've happened to me! That paycheck
was a noose around my neck. Now I can be
a superhero!
At that, The Cape flinches, causing his pyramid to collapse.
THE CAPE
Aw, crap.
ARTHUR
The noblest profession. Risking it all
for the common good, that's our job; they
may call us an accountant, but we can't
deny our true natures, even if all of our
friends and relatives tell us we're good
at math.
He drains his shot glass and puts it down, then slaps the bar with
his hand.
ARTHUR
The hero's life! Our destiny!
Reverse angle on the BARTENDER. Behind her is a printed sign
reading "NOTICE - WE SERVE SUPERHEROES".
BARTENDER
Suit doesn't do a lot for you. Make you
look like a... Easter Bunny.
ARTHUR
It's a flying suit.
BARTENDER
Easter Bunny can't fly.
ARTHUR
Well, I can.
He presses a control on the harness of his backpack, and four
moth-like wings unfurl. Arthur gives a small nervous laugh. The
Cape, rebuilding his pyramid, shoots him a sideways glance.
ARTHUR
I haven't yet. But all I have to do is go
to the top of a building and jump off.
BARTENDER
Go ahead. Who cares?
ARTHUR
I'm gonna do it tonight.
He slaps the bar again and leaves.
BARTENDER
(to The Cape)
I think he's gonna fall down a lot and
die.
The Cape flinches again, bringing his new pyramid down. He makes
a gesture of frustration.
THE CAPE
Aw, crap.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CITY -- ROOFTOP -- NIGHT
The Tick leaps down into frame, bounding from point to point,
chunks of debris cracking off as he lands.
THE TICK
City! City! I am The Tick!
His feet crash through the roof, showering plaster on a pair of
men watching television in the room below. He recovers and leaps
from rooftop to rooftop, leaving structural damage in his wake.
THE TICK
And you have melted my heart! From this
day forth, I will spread my buttery
justice over your every nook and cranny!
Hear me, O City! My City! Your toast
will never go bare again!
CUT TO:
EXT. LONELY PANDA -- NIGHT
The door opens and Arthur walks out, wings still deployed. At
first, he moves with determination, but then he falters and turns
around, swallowing hard and then stifling a burp.
ARTHUR
Who am I kidding?
Pressing the control on his harness, he retracts his wings.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CITY -- ALLEYWAY -- NIGHT
Five Russian COMRADES stand next to a truck, which bears red
stenciled letters obscured by the men. They are wearing grey
jumpsuits, and most of them wear black berets. One of them pours
vodka into the glasses of the others. During Comrade #1's speech,
another man is revealed keeping lookout near the mouth of the
alley, which is across from the Lonely Panda.
COMRADE #1
Comrades, The Red Scare! The finest
secret Soviet supervillain nineteen
seventy-nine had to offer.
He holds up a control device covered with protrusions; on top is a
large red button.
COMRADE #1
One touch of this button, and ve'll have
an unstoppable engine of death at our
command.
COMRADE #2
Nineteen seventy-nine? Does it still
work?
COMRADE #1
(mocking)
Does it still vork? It's a Plotski!
Angle through the mouth of the alley towards the Lonely Panda,
where we see Arthur staggering across the street towards us.
COMRADE #1 (O.S.)
Ivan Plotski, the best scientist ever!
Arthur bumps into a streetlight and belches.
COMRADE #1
To the Russian-American Coalition for the
Annihilation of the U.S. Postal System!
COMRADES
(Clinking glasses)
Na zdorovye!
Arthur's stomach finally gets the better of him as he reaches the
alley, and he vomits... onto the shoes of the lookout, who looks
none too happy.
ARTHUR
Sorry.
The lookout pulls Arthur into the alley and throws him roughly
against a brick wall, where he is quickly surrounded by the other
Comrades.
COMRADE #1 (O.S.)
Rabbit person wants to make problems?
ARTHUR
It's really more of a moth thing.
COMRADE #2 (O.S.)
He vants to be a superhero.
COMRADE #1 (O.S.)
Let's teach him the lesson... of Metcalfe.
ARTHUR
Metcalfe?
COMRADES
Metcalfe!
ARTHUR
(high-pitched scream)
Noooooooo!
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CITY -- ROOFTOP ABOVE ALLEY -- NIGHT
Start with pure blackness, pull back to reveal The Tick standing
on a rooftop, his antennae stiffening to attention as he hears
Arthur's scream.
THE TICK
My first damsel in distress!
He jumps down off the building.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CITY -- ALLEYWAY -- NIGHT
The Tick lands on the Comrades' van, which is now revealed to read
"VLAD'S ARMY SURPLUS - I am the Czar". The tires burst from the
shock of his landing. The Comrades spin around to see him
standing atop their van, arms akimbo.
THE TICK
Unhand that woman!
The cluster of Comrades parts to reveal Arthur.
COMRADE
Uh?
THE TICK
(disappointed)
Oh.
(His antennae droop.)
Awkward moment. Sorry there, Moth Man.
Didn't mean to interrupt. Although I sure
would like a slice of your righteous
combat pie. Whaddaya say?
ARTHUR
Help?
THE TICK
Well, hey, great! Thanks!
He jumps down to the ground.
THE TICK
Wicked men, you face The Tick.
With a roar, the Comrades all rush The Tick. He flings them off,
and Arthur flinches to avoid being hit by the flying bodies.
THE TICK (O.S.)
Incoming!
More bodies fly. The Tick walks by, with a Comrade behind him
hitting him over the head with a pipe.
THE TICK
Single file!
(he notices the pipe)
Knock it off!
Arthur ducks a bottle which shatters next to him, and more flying
bodies.
THE TICK (O.S.)
Heads up! Ha ha ha! Don't do drugs! Ah,
there's more where that came from!
Arthur slides down the wall, and the fight is over; the Comrades
are piled up into a heap, and the control device tumbles down onto
the ground. Tilt up to reveal The Tick standing on the pile of
bodies.
THE TICK
He breathes in deep the sweet air of his
first victory. And with the newly-won
friendship of his fellow warrior, he
stands tall against the inevitable horrors
to come.
Arthur is sitting, clasping his knees as he stares blankly at The
Tick.
THE TICK
Come on, Moth Man! To the rooftops!
Arthur doesn't move; as The Tick walks away, he steps on the
control device; the red button lights up. Arthur reacts as the
back door of the van opens up, and THE RED MENACE emerges with a
beeping noise. It straightens up and crosses its arms: in its
left hand it holds a sickle, and in the right it holds a hammer,
positioned to mimic the Soviet emblem on its abdomen. It walks
past a dazed-looking Arthur and stalks off into the night.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CITY -- ROOFTOPS -- NIGHT
Pull back to reveal The Tick looking over the edge of the
building.
THE TICK
It all happens here on the rooftops.
Brightly clad stallions running the most
dangerous steeplechase of them all...
Arthur comes into view, panting as he climbs up the ladder on the
side of the building.
THE TICK
... flanks sweaty, nostrils flaring. We
heroes are our own jockeys, chum; we ride
ourselves, and hard!
With one hand, The Tick lifts Arthur up over the wall and puts him
down on the roof.
ARTHUR
(out of breath)
Robot! I saw a robot!
THE TICK
You saw a robot. You lucky duck.
With a whistling noise, BATMANUEL flies onto the rooftop behind
The Tick and Arthur, who turn to look at him. He is clad in
brown, with an orange cape, and the outline of a facemask joined
to two large bat ears.
THE TICK
Wow!
BATMANUEL
Heh! Haven't seen you around before! I
am...
With a flourish, he throws open his cape. Disco music plays.
BATMANUEL
... Batmanuel!
He lets the cape fall, and the music stops.
BATMANUEL
You may have heard of me. I, ah, get a
lot of press.
He hands business cards to The Tick and Arthur.
ARTHUR
You were the one who saved that trolley
full of supermodels!
BATMANUEL
Yes. In fact, I saved them three times in
one night, if you get my meaning.
THE TICK
Nope.
ARTHUR
Batmanuel, thank God you're here! Listen,
there's this big red --
A tinny, electronic tune begins playing; Batmanuel holds up a hand
and cuts him off, then answers his cellphone.
BATMANUEL
Batmanuel.
(beat)
On a roof, of course. Hah? Yes, the
doors open at midnight. Ah-hah. And
invite Diego. I like his sister. She's
Catholic.
THE TICK
(to Arthur)
Cool walkie-talkie.
Suddenly, the noise of a helicopter is heard, accompanied by
Sousa's "WASHINGTON POST MARCH". CAPTAIN LIBERTY swings down on a
rope ladder; she's clad in a skimpy red satin outfit, with gold
thigh-high boots and long gloves, and a Statue of Liberty crown.
She holds a stylized torch.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Gentlemen! I'm Captain Liberty. Once
again, the nation is in peril.
BATMANUEL
(on phone)
I'm telling you, Falco died. Sí! Amadeus
Amadeus, he is a dead person!
ARTHUR
Captain Liberty, thank God you're here!
Listen, there's a big red --
She holds up her hand and cuts him off.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
There's no time to chat, I'm afraid; this
is top priority. The CIA has tracked a
secret Soviet superweapon to The City.
Codenamed The Red Scare, one hundred
percent lethal.
ARTHUR
Exactly! Exactly!
THE TICK
(re: helicopter)
That is the biggest darn whirlybird I have
ever seen!
There is the sound of an explosion. Arthur and Captain Liberty
start towards it, but Batmanuel moves into her path.
BATMANUEL
So, Janet! Back in bed with the CIA, ah?
You certainly do your best work
undercover.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Stow it, you infant, I don't have time for
your nonsense.
BATMANUEL
Oh? You had a little time for it last
month, on top of that water tower.
(to The Tick)
I saved her too, once, if you know what
I'm saying...
THE TICK
Nope.
ARTHUR
(leaning over the edge of the
building)
Everybody! The robot! It's right down
there!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
(to The Tick)
I'm working on having him deported.
BATMANUEL
Ah, she fears the demons I have awoken in
her... womanly places.
ARTHUR
He just flipped over a car!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
(into her torch)
Ground One to Airship, target the
Eurotrash and fire on my command.
BATMANUEL
Lesbian!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
We should have taken your country when we
had the chance.
BATMANUEL
I still have your panties.
He holds them up. She grabs for them, but he keeps them out of
her reach.
ARTHUR
He's got rockets!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Give me those, you weasel!
BATMANUEL
Don't fight like a girl, Janet, fight like
a woman!
They gaze at each other, clearly aroused, then lock into a
passionate embrace. They kiss and begin moaning. The Tick looks
at them, bewildered.
ARTHUR
Hey, he's getting away!
Arthur turns back to face them and stops, stunned at the tableau
before him. The Tick finally breaks his stare away from Captain
Liberty and Batmanuel, and looks down.
THE TICK
Awww, I stepped in gum! Oh...
Arthur puts his goggles on top of his head, staring in disbelief.
ARTHUR
What's wrong with you people? You're
superheroes; you're supposed to be... you
know... heroic!
THE TICK
(to the gum)
Awww... Sticky pink devil!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
(to Batmanuel)
Greasy twerp!
BATMANUEL
(to Captain Liberty)
Right-wing ice queen!
They resume kissing. Arthur starts walking dejectedly, towards
the stairwell.
THE TICK
Who puts gum on a roof?!
ARTHUR
Well, it's been a shattering
disillusionment. Good night.
He opens the stairwell door and exits.
THE TICK
(looking around)
What was that about a robot?
Arthur closes the door. Batmanuel and Captain Liberty fall to the
rooftop.
THE TICK
Little guy?
BATMANUEL
(muffled)
Oh, stroke my ears.
Captain Liberty giggles.
THE TICK
Little chum?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. ARTHUR'S APARTMENT
Close-up on the door as ARTHUR enters, carrying a sack of
groceries and a newspaper. He closes the door, puts the groceries
on the counter and throws the paper onto his kitchen table, then
shuffles into the bathroom and looks into the mirror. Angle on
the hallway, as seen through the peephole in Arthur's door, as THE
TICK comes into view. He rattles the doorknob, then tries to peer
through the hole. Return to Arthur regarding himself in the
mirror.
ARTHUR
You're an idiot in a bunny suit.
He pulls the cap off his head, sighs, and then reacts to a
pounding on his front door.
THE TICK (O.S.)
Arthur!
Angle on the hallway, looking through the peephole again. The
Tick is pounding on the door.
THE TICK
Arthur!
Angle on the bathroom door as Arthur walks out. There is a
crashing noise. Angle on the front door as The Tick rests the
broken door against the wall.
THE TICK
Hello again! Your door is broken; the
knob came off
He hands the knob to Arthur.
ARTHUR
What are you doing here?
THE TICK
(looking around)
Moth Man, this is incredible! It looks
just like an apartment!
ARTHUR
What?
THE TICK
All right. Show me your trigger.
ARTHUR
My what?
THE TICK
Your secret headquarters trigger, the
switch that pops up all your secret
crime-bustin' equipment! Is this it? Eh?
He goes over to a light fixture and rips it out of the wall.
ARTHUR
Awww...
THE TICK
Say! What does your sofa turn into?
He flips it onto its back.
ARTHUR
It turns into... a bed.
THE TICK
Well, that's a start. What else you got?
ARTHUR
Nothing! I've got nothing; this is just
an apartment!
The Tick's antennae droop, but otherwise he is expressionless.
ARTHUR
What are you doing here?
THE TICK
(antennae perking up again)
I followed you home! I got something I
wanna show you.
ARTHUR
Look! This whole thing was a mistake.
Apparently, superheroes are just a bunch
of egotistical, self-centered, sexually
frustrated kindergarteners! No offense
intended.
THE TICK
None comprehended!
ARTHUR
It's just... I thought they were supposed
to risk it all for the common good! You
know, help the downtrodden? The sad part
is, I'm downtrodden. I'm not "Moth Man",
I'm not a superhero... I'm not even an
accountant any more! I'm just Arthur.
The Tick rushes forward and grabs Arthur's head.
THE TICK
Arthur! Listen to me carefully! I
believe in you! I always have! That's
why I'm here! Destiny dressed you this
morning, my friend, and now fear is trying
to pull off your pants! If you give up --
if you give in -- then you're gonna end up
naked with fear just standing there
laughing at your dangling unmentionables!
(beat)
Oh, wait! I almost forgot the best part.
He goes back out into the hall.
THE TICK
I got to thinking you might be on to
something about this whole Red Scare
thing.
He then drags COMRADE #1 into view, with the pole of a street sign
("ONE WAY") coiled around him.
THE TICK
Figured maybe we should interrogate
somebody.
COMRADE #1
Please help me!
ARTHUR
Help you? You were gonna Metcalfe me!
THE TICK
Easy there, Bad Cop! Think you cracked
this nut.
(To Comrade #1)
All right, you heard the man. Give him
the skinny.
COMRADE #1
The Red Scare is a relentless robotic
assassin, built in the late seventies and
-- and, and, and programmed to kill Jimmy
Carter. We were going to use it to kill
the Postmaster General, but you thwarted
us before we had the chance.
THE TICK
You see, Arthur? You thwart!
ARTHUR
What -- then it must still be
programmed...
Angle on the newspaper ("The City Times"), with a giant headline
reading "JIMMY CARTER IS IN TOWN". Next to Carter's picture, it
reads "Ex-Prez To Pick Up U.N. Prize, Put Up Housing Project".
ARTHUR
Oh my God. Jimmy Carter is in town!
THE TICK
Jimmy Carter is in town! Heavens to
Betsy, what're the odds? Quickly, chum,
Jimmy needs us now more than ever!
He rushes out; the Comrade topples over.
ARTHUR
Us?
The Tick's hand reaches into frame and pulls Arthur out.
THE TICK
Us!
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CITY HOTEL -- NIGHT
Angle down on the awning and parking lot. A Checker cab pulls up,
and The Tick bolts out and runs into the hotel. Arthur begins to
follow suit, leaving his door open.
THE TICK (O.S.)
I have no money!
Arthur runs back and pays the cabdriver.
ARTHUR
(sotto voce)
Five dollars... add fifteen percent...
(louder)
Ah, just keep the change.
He runs into the hotel.
THE TICK (O.S.)
Clear the building!
CABDRIVER
Hey! Idiot!
Arthur runs back and shuts the door.
ARTHUR
(to cabdriver)
Sorry.
He runs back inside.
THE TICK (O.S.)
The Russians are coming! The Russians are
coming! To the penthouse!
CUT TO:
INT. THE CITY HOTEL -- ELEVATOR
Arthur and The Tick stand in the elevator as it goes up. Arthur
begins fidgeting and, eventually, whimpering.
ARTHUR
Tick, this is insane; I can't fight the
Red Scare!
THE TICK
Yes, you can.
ARTHUR
I'm just an accountant!
THE TICK
People change.
ARTHUR
People die!
THE TICK
No, they don't.
ARTHUR
Yes, they do!
THE TICK
Not on my watch, they don't!
CUT TO:
INT. THE CITY HOTEL -- PENTHOUSE
We see only the elevator doors, and the backs of the heads of
Jimmy Carter and a Secret Service agent.
JIMMY CARTER
Looks like we're gonna be late.
The elevator doors open, to reveal The Tick grabbing Arthur by the
arms.
ARTHUR
But I don't wanna poop with a machine!
THE TICK
No one's asking you to!
Jimmy Carter clears his throat.
ARTHUR
Jimmy Carter!
The Tick lunges forward and pulls Jimmy Carter into the elevator.
THE TICK
Jimmy! In the elevator!
(to Secret Service agent)
We'll take it from here.
The elevator doors close.
CUT TO:
INT. THE CITY HOTEL -- ELEVATOR
From Jimmy Carter's POV. The Tick and Arthur loom close.
ARTHUR
Mr. President...
THE TICK
Jimmy, you got robot problems -- and bad!
JIMMY CARTER (O.S.)
I -- I left my money in my room! I'm
sorry!
THE TICK
Your very life hangs in the balance.
Reverse angle. Jimmy Carter is now facing the wall, and remains
so for all subsequent shots.
JIMMY CARTER
Help! Helllllp!
The Tick grabs Jimmy Carter's head.
THE TICK
Mr. President, I believe in you! I always
have! That's why --
ARTHUR
Tick! Tick! Don't squeeze his head!
The Tick lets go, and Jimmy Carter bolts to the other side of the
elevator car.
THE TICK
But --
ARTHUR
That doesn't work on anybody.
THE TICK
(re: Jimmy Carter)
Remarkably spry.
JIMMY CARTER
Men in wrestling outfits! Help!
ARTHUR
Mr. President, please!
JIMMY CARTER
(into elevator phone)
Help! Circus freaks! Help!
ARTHUR
Please, Mr. President? I know we look...
strange, but we're here to help you.
THE TICK
There's a Soviet killing machine out there
with your name on it, and it could strike
at any moment.
JIMMY CARTER
I don't believe you.
Suddenly, the Red Menace bursts through the ceiling and drops onto
the floor.
THE TICK
Great Molly Hatchet!
RED MENACE
(deep, menacing electronic
voice)
Jimmy Carter, you have been sentenced to
death.
THE TICK
Not so fast!
RED MENACE
Destroy Jimmy Carter.
THE TICK
You and what army, pinko?
The Red Menace head-butts The Tick.
THE TICK
Uhh!
The Red Menace head-butts him again.
THE TICK
Uhh! Knock it off!
The Tick butts The Red Menace. The Red Menace returns the blow.
They continue to trade head-butts.
ARTHUR
Don't worry, Mr. President, everything's
gonna be okay. I think.
The Red Menace gives another head butt.
THE TICK
Uhhh. Good helmet.
RED MENACE
Destroy Jimmy Carter.
He holds up his sickle, then strikes upwards, severing the
elevator cable. The car begins to plummet. The Red Menace grabs
The Tick's antennae
THE TICK
Whoa! That's dirty pool!
He staggers back and his head breaks through the wall of the
elevator car. The Red Menace follows and puts its hands around
his throat. Sparks fly upwards as The Tick's head scrapes against
the wall of the elevator shaft.
THE TICK
Must... use... head... to... slow...
elevator's... fall!
JIMMY CARTER
Oh, merciful Lord, we're gonna die!
Arthur slowly lifts up his head, realizing something.
ARTHUR
No, we're not, Mr. Ex-President.
He resolutely puts his goggles on and takes a deep breath.
ARTHUR
Grab onto me and hold tight!
He hits the control on his backpack harness; his wings unfurl.
Jimmy Carter rushes over and grabs onto Arthur. Arthur jumps up,
and the two of them fly upwards, out of the elevator car.
ARTHUR
Yaaaa-haha!
The Red Menace lets go of The Tick and looks up, making a noise of
frustration.
THE TICK
Oh, yes... it's too late we learn that
communism does not pay.
(beat)
So! Don't have a snappy Soviet comeback
for that one, do we?
The elevator continues its fall, and crashes.
SHOCK CUT TO BLACK.
INT. THE CITY HOTEL -- BASEMENT
A pile of rubble from the elevator. Amidst the twisted girders
and cables, we see bits of blue and red. Two of the blue bits
begin vibrating; they are The Tick's antennae. The Tick pushes a
pile of debris off his torso.
THE TICK
Gravity... is a harsh mistress.
CUT TO:
INT. LONELY PANDA RESTAURANT.
Close-up on ARTHUR, slowly pulling back to reveal THE TICK sitting
next to him.
THE TICK
And that's how we vanquished our first
supervillain, and how Arthur learned to
fly, and how we gave Jimmy Carter a mild
concussion.
Reverse angle on BATMANUEL and CAPTAIN LIBERTY, sitting across
from them in the booth. They laugh politely. Batmanuel is
wearing a plaster cast on his right forearm.
ARTHUR
We saved a President!
THE TICK
Yet the evening's greatest victory is the
friendship forged between this heroic duo.
Inseparable! Bonded together by the Krazy
Glue of Justice. Till death do they part!
ARTHUR
We saved a President.
Captain Liberty and Batmanuel make polite noises.
BATMANUEL
You two are the talk of the town, you
know. I'd be honored if you'd, uh, sign
my cast.
ARTHUR
Sure!
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Boys, that was excellent work out there.
I'm sorry I was somewhat...
(glances at Batmanuel)
distracted... earlier, but I assure you I
did come to my senses before it was too
late.
Batmanuel puts his arm around Captain Liberty.
BATMANUEL
She's a -- a beautiful woman, but, ah...
(raising his cast)
her third base is, ah, very dangerous, if
you get my meaning.
She elbows him.
BATMANUEL
Ow!
THE TICK
Nope.
The Bartender brings a small tray to their table.
BARTENDER
Here. Fortune cookies; check.
THE TICK
Check!
(beat)
Look! More strange treats from the
Orient!
He puts an entire fortune cookie into his mouth and begins
chewing. The others look at him strangely.
THE TICK
(chewing)
Mmmm! Mmmm...
He stops and pulls the fortune out of his mouth.
THE TICK
A secret message! From my teeth!
(reading)
The road to Hell is paved with good
intentions.
(beat)
I don't get it.
Suddenly, a fireball ignites outside the window.
CAPTAIN LIBERTY
Damn! It's Apocalypse Cow!
She does something to her torch (which flares up briefly), and
leaves the booth.
THE TICK
Arthur! Evil is afoot, and hoofing it
with dark gusto! Let's go!
He leaves the booth. Arthur looks outside for a moment, and
starts to follow him.
BATMANUEL
I would not go out there, my little
friend.
Arthur turns back.
BATMANUEL
Apocalypse Cow is fifty feet tall; she
shoots fire from her teats.
THE TICK
Quickly, chum! There's fire everywhere!
ARTHUR
B-Batmanuel said... udder...
THE TICK
Fight fire with Arthur!
ARTHUR
Uh, I'll just get the check.
THE TICK
It's your destiny.
QUICK FADE TO BLACK.
While the screen is black, we hear Batmanuel's phone ring. Fade
back up on the same scene, as Batmanuel reaches for his cellphone.
BATMANUEL
Batmanuel. Diego!
(laughs)
How is your sister?
FADE TO BLACK.
END
